Poison Pink
by BananaNutCrunch
Summary: One man's poison is another man's tea! Uhm. No it isn't, actually. At least, not when Szayel Aporro Grantz is involved. And what exactly happens when some of his most lethal poisons accidentally get mixed up with Aizen's morning tea? A work COMPLETE.
1. The beginning

**And so, with much trepidation, I attempt my very first work that is NOT a one-shot! Be warned, though, that I posses neither the skill nor the attention span to satisfactorily complete this task.**

**I admit the plotbunny I am using is old, tired and probably suffering from arthritis by now, but I do think it's still got something left in it. Right now it probably depends on writing style and humour to pull this off. **

**I may fail.**

**But hell, who cares. Just read the damn fic. **

_Deafening silence filled the giant white halls, as calm and serene as the day they had been made. The only sound there was to be heard was the noise of thunder, as one of the most violent storms ever seen raged outside the dome of Las Noches-_

"Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit…"

_Okay, maybe it wasn't so silent. But still, the storm outside raged on, oblivious to the fact that-_

"Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit and _what is with that blinding __**sun**__?!"_

…_okay, so maybe there was no storm. But at least the sky outside was suitably bright enough to create a dramatic atmosphere for what was about to take place-_

"I really need to get myself some sunglasses, maybe something a fetching pink I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS-!"

_Forget it, I give up._

Running faster than he ever had before, Szayel skidded around a corner, knocking several lesser Arrancar out of the way. He paid them no mind, instead continuing at top speed to the Conference Room. As it was, he was already about half an hour late for the meeting, something that Aizen might well castrate him for. That, however, wasn't the problem. The problem was the tea.

Three days ago, when Szayel had been experimenting as usual in the labyrinth he called a lab, he had fallen asleep at his desk. That in itself wasn't unusual; quite often Szayel continued his work late into the night, and he did tend to fall asleep at his computer. The unusual thing this time was that upon waking up the next morning, cheek glued to a page of a book, he had noticed something terribly, terribly wrong.

_The special rack containing all of his favourite chemicals was missing._

He hadn't been bothered too much at first, suspecting it was just some prank by Nnoitora, who never passed up the chance to annoy him.

That was, however, until yesterday, when, upon inspection, he found that Nnoitora's room was devoid of any chemicals (save for the bottle of disinfectant that Tesla had been given after Nnoitora's _common cold_ escapade).

Still, he hadn't been that worried.

Then, of course, today, he had found out that, _apparently_, _a certain ex-shinigami captian_ of theirs loved to experiment with his teas.

As a result, _apparently_, _another_ ex-shinigami captain was known to collect rare and exotic ingredients to add to his boss's tea. And this _particular_ ex-shinigami captain was also known to have a young blonde lapdog, who was _apparently_ lacking in intelligence, but made up for it in his eagerness to please. And _apparently,_ this young blonde lapdog did just _love_ to get his hands upon any colourful liquids so he could bring them back to said guardian.

The real crux of the matter was; _said guardian was blind_.

Apparently.

So, now, Szayel had on his hands the possibility that, at this very moment, nine Espada and three Captains could be drinking tea laced with some of his most precious, and above all, _dangerous _chemicals.

This was probably something that_ he _would be held accountable for.

Finally reaching his destination, Szayel threw the doors open, screaming at the top of his lungs.

"DON'T DRINK THE TEA!"

Twelve heads looked at him in unison. "Szayel? Is there something bothering you about the tea? Something, perhaps, that pertains to the fact that you are now _thirty-seven minutes late for my meeting?" _Aizen smiled at him pleasantly from across the room.

Ignoring him for the first time, Szayel busied himself with running around the room, frantically checking the teacups and finding them all to be depressingly empty, save Gin's. Throwing his head back, he let out a shrill scream of frustration.

"Szayel? Whatever is the matter with you?" Aizen's smile faded now, concerned.

"WHAT'S THE MATTER? I'LL _TELL_ YOU WHAT'S THE MATTER! THE LOT OF YOU, _THE WHOLE LOT OF YOU_ HAVE JUST GONE AND _INGESTED _MY _VERY PRECIOUS_ AND _VERY __POISONOUS_ STASH OF CHEMICALS IS WHAT'S THE MATTER!" Szayel shrieked, tearing at his pretty pink hair in panic.

Surprisingly elegantly, Aizen's mouth fell open slightly as the implications of what his subordinate had just said finally hit home. "You mean that delightful new tea was actually…"

"GONE! ALL GONE!" Szayel rambled on, not paying attention in the slightest. "DO YOU KNOW WHY IT HAPPENED? DO YOU? _DO YOU_? IT WAS ALL. _HIS. _FAULT!" Here, he pointed an accusatory finger directly at Kaname Tosen. "_**YOU**_ DID THIS!"

Tosen remained stoic, unemotional.

Szayel slammed his hands on the table in outrage. "WHY DO YOU STAY SO STILL, YOU SMUG BASTARD? DO YOU REALISE WHAT YOU'VE DONE? ANSWER ME! CAN YOU NOT SEE THE FINGER I'M POINTING AT YOU? WHAT ARE YOU_, BLIND or someth-_- oh. Right. Sorry."

Szayel coughed uncomfortably and straightened his robes, attempting to salvage what little dignity he had left. "In case you're wondering, I was blaming _you_ for this, Lord Tosen. All this is because of your infernal fascination with making exotic teas, and your _ludricous _trust of that little Arrancar you treat as your pet."

Aizen, uncharacteristically, had an eyebrow raised in confusion. "Do us all a favour, Szayel, and please explain your story from the beginning." He did not seem amused.

Szayel took a deep breath, and started explaining.

The faces of those around him went from confusion, to awe, to shock, before morphing into horror as the explanation of Szayel Aporro Grantz commenced.

"And so," he concluded, "it appears that every one of you has been dosed with some of my most powerful drugs. With, of course, the exception of Ichimaru Gin, who did not drink the tea." He gestured sideways at the grinning fox-man to emphasize his point.

Darkness fell upon the room as Espada and shinigami alike considered what horrible fate had suddenly befallen them.

There was a grave, grave silence.

"Good thing I don't really like tea," said Gin conversationally.

**Whoo~! That…that wasn't easy! I get the feeling I was being way too long-winded. Is that true? Please tell me so I can fix it. I already have something in mind for Ulquiorra, Nnoitora and possibly Grimmjow, but would anyone care to give me a suggestion for what could befall the other Espada/shinigami? I really, really need this. Thanks. **


	2. Victim the first

"So what yer tellin' me," said Gin, an unusual frown upon his face, "is that yer holdin' me r'spons'ble fer this?"

Aizen sighed, ice pack held firmly to his head to help ward off an oncoming migraine. "I simply want you to team up with Szayel to come up with a solution to this…unfortunate mess. I am holding you responsible for nothing."

"But-but-but I didn't do nothin'! Twasn't nothin' to do with me!" Gin cried, offended.

Aizen sighed again, seeming to grow testy. "No, this has nothing to do with you. Still, you and Szayel were the ONLY ONES unaffected, and therefore you are the ONLY ONES suitable for this task. No more arguments, Gin."

"But," said Gin, just for the sake of it.

Aizen's eyes narrowed as darkness suddenly seemed to fill the room. "_Ichimaru Gin,_" he growled, "_I have had it up to __**here**__ with you and your obscene pleasure for watching other people suffer. While this is not an altogether bad quality for a villain to have, it most certainly __**should not be used on me**__. __**Now get your grey ass out of my sight, and go help that pink-headed demon find a cure, or so help me I will rain down hell upon your sorry soul until one of us dies. And trust me, when you're a shinigami, that is a **__**long **__**time."**_

Gin took the hint, and scarpered.

Five minutes later, by sheer fluke, Gin had bumped into Szayel walking down the hallways. "Hey, Pinky! What news?" he called out cheerfully, smile returning, though somewhat shaky.

"Please, Lord Gin, I'm standing right next to you, there's no need to shout." Szayel adjusted his glasses and took a look at his clipboard. "I have just finished interviewing Lord Tosen. He tells me that it wasn't him who spiked the drinks, he had let Wonderweiss do it. Wonderweiss, meanwhile, tells me that he simply emptied a vial into each cup. Now, as far as I know, there were many more cups than there were vials. Therefore I conclude that it was only an unfortunate few who were actually poisoned. Regrettably, though, Wonderweiss seems to have no recollection as to _who _received _what_, so we shall simply have to wait for symptoms to appear before we can safely determine who has received the poisons and who hasn't. Do you follow, Lord Gin?"

"I follow, all right. I just have two things to clarify. One, are ya sayin' we actually have ta wait for someone to _die_ before we know they were poisoned? And two, _how in the seven hells did ya manage to understand anything __Wonderweiss__ told ya?"_

Szayel sniffed, a tad haughtily. "Not exactly _die_, no. We only have to look for abnormal behavioural patterns, like, oh, I don't know...."

"Dyin'?" Gin suggested helpfully.

Szayel's shoulders slumped in academic frustration.

"Yes, Lord Gin. Like dying." He straightened up, regaining composure. "Incidentally, about Wonderweiss, I got Lord Tosen to translate for me."

Gin nodded sagely. "Yup, that makes sense. So, Pinky, when're we gonna see these side-effects yer talkin' about?"

Szayel's eyebrow twitched slightly at the name. He checked his clipboard again. "The effects of the drugs will start to manifest as soon as digestion starts to take place. The fastest-acting ones should start showing themselves right about-"

_There was a crash and a scream from the direction of Ulquiorra's room._

"-now."

Ten minutes later, Szayel and Gin stood outside Ulquiorra's private chambers. Truth be told, neither of them really wanted to go in, as there were some very strange noises coming from inside.

Taking a deep breath, Szayel placed a hand on the doorknob, and opened it.

A scene of devastation and carnage met their eyes. The normally immaculate room looked like a bomb had gone off in it. The bedding was everywhere, the wardrobe had been blasted open, clothes hung from lampshades and almost all the expensive and very tasteful paintings Ulquiorra kept in his room were now on the ground, forgotten.

"Ulquiorra!" Szayel called, shaking as he stepped further into the room. Behind him, Gin let out a low whistle of shock.

"Ulquiorra!" he repeated, starting to fear the worst.

"Emospada!" Gin called, to Szayel's left.

Szayel stared at him.

"What?" asked Gin defensively.

They were interrupted by a sudden noise from the direction of the giant glass windows. Cautiously, Szayel moved closer. "Ulquiorra?"

There he was, the Quatro . He was hanging upside-down from the window, tangled in the curtains. Szayel stared at him, mouth agape.

"Looks like fun," Gin quipped cheerfully.

Szayel ran forward to untangle his unconscious co-worker from the curtains and set him on the ground gently, settling Ulquiorra's head in his lap to protect it from the hard floor.

"Ulquiorra! Speak to me!"

Ulquiorra made a soft rasping noise, like a whisper. "Szayel…closer…"

Szayel leaned his head closer to the Fourth Espada's mouth so he could hear better. Ulquiorra's breath tickled his cheek. "Szayel…"

"What is it, Ulquiorra?" Szayel lifted Ulquiorra's upper body so he was almost sitting up.

"Szayel…your hair…"

"My hair?"

"It…it looks really girly."

Seconds passed in silence.

"**What**."

"Your hair is really girly. And pink. Like a girl." Ulquiorra repeated.

Szayel promptly dropped him.

Gin's smile resurfaced, wider than ever. "He looks fine to me. Improved, in fact. He seems happier now."

Szayel snorted, standing up and dusting himself off. "Imbecile. I believe I know exactly which drug he received."

"Eh? Which one would that be, then?" asked Gin innocently.

"Poison Sparkler. It's a drug that increases the brains hormonal production; endorphins, to be exact."

"And why would Ulquiorra need any dolphins, in a desert of all places?"

"_Endorphins_, Lord Gin. They're what make you happy. It's your body's natural high."

"So, what yer saying is…ya actually made him…high?" Gin asked cautiously. It sounded very strange, even to him.

Both men looked down at a happily smiling Ulquiorra, who was hugging his knees and looking up at them cheerfully with what looked like growing adoration on his face.

"Here, Ulqui, Ulqui," Gin tried, holding a hand out to Ulquiorra's face.

Ulquiorra nibbled his finger.

Szayel rolled his eyes and turned on his heels. "Let's go, Lord Gin. He's more of a danger to himself than anyone else now. _Of all my drugs, he had to get my lovely Poison Sparkler_," Szayel muttered to himself, walking out the door.

Gin watched him leave, before turning to follow. "Bye, Ulqui," he patted the Arrancar on the head and left as well.

Ulquiorra sat alone on the ground, staring at the door from which they had left. He pondered briefly what to do.

"Sparklies," he giggled, and stood up to follow them.

**Yay, second chapter up! Did I make Ulquiorra very OOC? Good. That's what I'd hoped for. What do you think? Would it be better if Ulquiorra were annoying-cheerful, or adorable-cheerful – or both? Please! Review! Or I'll borrow some of Aizen's hell and rain it on you guys instead!**

**P.s. About the word "sparklies…" I… just wanted to make him say it. Don't judge me.**


	3. Victims the second and third

"There were three shinigami and nine espada in the Conference Room when the tea was administered, am I right, Lord Gin?" Szayel asked.

Gin nodded in reply. "Outta those twelve, I didn't drink th' tea. That leaves ya with eleven."

"And out of the remaining eleven, we have already determined that one espada was poisoned. That leaves us with-"

"FIFTEEN!" cheered Ulquiorra from somewhere behind them. Szayel rubbed his temples, not for the first time that day.

"Would you shut him up, please?" he turned to Gin, eyebrows furrowed so that they met in the middle of his forehead. Gin shrugged his shoulders, unconcerned. "Now ya want me to shut him up? YOU were the one who brought him along in th' first place, weren't ya?" he responded.

"I didn't bring him along, he just came!" replied Szayel hotly. "You! Shut up!" he pointed a finger at Ulquiorra.

Ulquiorra giggled.

Szyayel rubbed his temples again. "Yer gonna bruise yer forehead if ya keep doin' that," Gin advised. Szayel ignored him and tried to resume thinking. "Where were we just now? Ah, yes. We had…how many possible victims again?"

"Fifteen."

Szayel shot Gin a death glare. "Ten. Ten possible victims, each with a ten percent chance of being poisoned."

"How many drugs did ya start out with?" asked Gin helpfully.

Szayel rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "I had five vials on the rack. Therefore, excluding Ulquiorra, there should be four more victims left to find. What do you propose we do?"

"Let's make waffles!" Ulquiorra suggested.

They ignored him.

Gin tilted his head, pondering. "The espada are probably in their chambers, yeah? So how 'bout we go checkin' up on 'em to see who got infected?"

Szayel nodded once. "That is an acceptable plan of action. To whose chambers are we closest, Lord Gin?"

"Mine!"

Szayel sighed. "_Not yours_, Ulquiorra. Who else?"

"We-ell… We're near the Fourth's room, so we should also in between th' Fifth and Third, right? Only, we've been walking South all this time, so now we'd be closer to th' Fifth's."

"Right."

The trio walked (or bounced, in Ulquiorra's case) down the hall, each privately wondering what they would find upon arrival (or, again, in Ulquiorra's case, wondering where in Hueco Mundo one might find a marshmallow stand.)

They reached The Quinta Espada's door.

Szayel was about to knock, when they were distracted by a very loud noise coming from the Sexta Espada's room. Szayel and Gin shared a look, before moving themselves in front of Grimmjow's door. They pressed their ears to it, listening.

"What's that growlin'?" Gin whispered over Ulquiorra's head. Szayel pursed his lips, frowning. "I do not know…perhaps he's in his release form?" he suggested.

"Why?" whispered Ulquiorra, none-too silently. Gin bonked him on the head. "Ya think he got 'imself poisoned too?" Gin wondered. Szayel simply shrugged. "We should probably find out. Go in, Lord Gin."

Gin feigned offense. "Me? Why should I do it? Yer the subordinate, YOU do it!"

Szayel's mouth dropped open. "ME? He'll KILL me in his release form!"

"Mememememe pick me!" Ulquiorra volunteered, raising his hand. Gin bonked him on the head.

"Go on, Pinky!"

"I object to you calling me that name!"

"If ya want me ta stop so bad, then go in th' dang room, already!"

Szayel's face blackened as he pondered this deal. "_Fine_," he spat. "But if I die, you'll have to deal with _that guy _all by yourself." He pointed at Ulquiorra.

Ulquiorra waved.

Szayel took a deep breath and put a hand on the doorknob. With a final glance at his teammates, he went in.

There was a silence.

The silence continued.

Then it continued some more.

Gin shrugged. "Well, that's that, then. Pinky died." He turned to leave, when there was a sudden shriek.

"**YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"**

Szayel rocketed out the door and onto Gin, gibbering madly.

Gin turned, and just managed to catch a glimpse of Grimmjow, in full release, snarling like a demon from hell and lunging at them with the speed of heaven, before Szayel slammed himself against the door, forcing it shut. The…._creature_ on the other side scrabbled at the door and shrieked for a while, then gradually lapsed into silence.

Szayel leaned against the door, panting harshly, wide-eyed, hair and glasses askew. Gin took a moment to take in the half-ripped shirt and the missing slipper, and the claw-marks running from Szayel's creamy-skinned shoulder all the way to his stomach. Gin felt his mouth drop open in surprise.

"What in God's name happened to you?" he asked.

Szayel wheezed at him, before realising he wasn't getting through. "He…he…_don't go in there_…" he choked out.

Ulquiorra hopped forward and held out his arms.

"Somebody needs a hug!" he announced.

Szayel, surprisingly, didn't protest as Ulquiorra wrapped his arms around him and squished him to his chest, patting his head. "There, there, Pinky!" he said, in what he apparently thought was a soothing voice.

After a minute or so, Szayel's breathing finally returned to normal. "Gin…Grimmjow is extremely dangerous at this point._ Extremely_."

Gin frowned. "What did he do to ya?"

Szayel fended off Ulquiorra and stood up, adjusting his spectacles and smoothing back his hair. "Let's just say…he was administered a very, very powerful aphrodisiac," said Szayel, somewhat uncomfortably.

Gin took a moment to process this. "Ya mean he's horny?"

Szayel nodded gravely. "_Very_ horny."

Gin was silent. "Wait, what were ya doin' makin' an aphrodi-"

"FOCUS PLEASE," Szayel interrupted loudly, cutting him off. There was a slight hint of pink on his cheeks.

Gin remembered the blue demon in the door, and shuddered. "I wouldn't wanna be molested by somethin' like THAT," he said. Szayel nodded. "I doubt it would be wise to deal with him at this point," he said. "Still, though, it was a good thing HE received the drug, and not one of the more powerful espada. That would have been a handful."

"Nnoitora," said Ulquiorra suddenly.

All three men fell silent, contemplating such a scenario.

As one man, they shuddered.

"Nnoitora, Nnoitora. Who's callin' my name, huh?" said a sudden voice from behind them, making them jump. They turned to see the man himself leaning against the door, watching them from above. He was not smiling. "I hope ya'll weren't sayin' something bad," he leered suddenly.

"N-not at all, Nnoitora!" stammered Szayel, wringing his hands. Nnoitora cocked an eyebrow suspiciously. "What happened to_ you_?" he asked, eying the torn clothes and claw-marks.

Szayel looked down and realised what Nnoitora was staring at. "Oh. That was just…an unfortunate encounter with Grimmjow," he brushed it off simply.

Nnoitora, on the other hand, leaned closer. "You okay?"

"Yes, thank you, I'm- what?" Szayel suddenly blinked.

"What what?" Nnoitora blinked back.

Szayel narrowed his eyebrows. "Why did you just ask me if I was okay? Are you up to something?" he asked suspiciously. Nnoitora looked offended.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean? Why can't I be concerned about you, huh? Is there something wrong with that?"

Szayel raised his eyebrows, sensing that Nnoitora was obviously upset. "No, it's just…highly unusual, that's all…" he stammered, suddenly unsure of what was going on.

Nnoitora narrowed his eyes further. "What's _that_ supposed to mean? Are you somehow saying that I'm _insensitive_?!"

Szayel backed away slowly, bringing his hands up in surrender. Nnoitora flying into a fury and challenging him to a fight, he could handle. Nnoitora suddenly choosing to display his _caring _side, however, Szayel was _not_ prepared for.

"What's this alluva sudden?" Gin smiled, sensing Szayel's discomfort and, unsurprisingly, enjoying it. "You stay out of it!" Nnoitora snapped at him, before turning his attention back to the unfortunate Szayel. "I'd like an answer, Mr. Smarty-pants!" he snarled.

"I-look, why are you getting so defensive? You know arrancar aren't usually concerned for each other!" Szayel tried, finding himself backed into a corner.

This, regrettably, turned out to be the wrong answer, as Nnoitora stepped forward, seething. "Are you calling me a _freak_? You're saying I'm not as _normal _as the_ other_ arrancar? That _is _what you're saying, _isn't it_?"

"I-"

"That's IT! I have HAD IT with you testosterone-filled baboons walking around with your noses in the air! You don't care about anyone's feelings but your own! Does anybody care what_ I_ think? No! All you care about is your _fighting_ and your _world domination_! Does anybody ever show me any _respect_ around here? _No!_ It's always the same, even with Aizen! Gin _this_, Kaname _that_, no thanks to the arrancar who do all his dirty work! I feel so-so-so-_ unappreciated_!"

They fell silent at Nnoitora's sudden outburst.

Without warning, Ulquiorra raised a hand, pointing at Nnoitora's face. "YOU LOOK LIKE A SPOON!" he yelled.

The room went cold.

"Oh no… now you've done it…" whispered Gin, jaw plummeting.

Nnoitora's eyes began to widen, lip trembling. To the shock, horror and fascination of the witnesses, his eyes began to fill up with tears.

"_I've had enough of you pigs!"_ he screamed, and ran into his room, sobbing.

Nobody knew quite what to say for a long, long time.

"Well…that was…awkward," said Gin lamely.

To his dismay, Szayel suddenly began giggling. He leaned backwards, holding on to the doorknob for support. Gin wondered briefly if the man had finally gone mad.

"What's funny?" Ulquiorra pulled on Szayel's sleeve innocently. The laughing arrancar wheezed, trying to form coherent words. "Nnoi-Nnoitora- heeheeehee!- Nnoitora got- AHAHAHHA- NNOITORA-NOITORA GOT POISONED!" he finally exploded and collapsed against the door, sides heaving.

Gin didn't understand. "So? What's so funny?' he demanded.

Szayel tried hard to breath. "GAHAHAHAHA! The name of the poison was- _POISON FEMME_!"

**Okay, in case you're wondering what femme means, go look it up in the dictionary (I assume most people know what it means) I kinda feel that chapter was a little weak… What do you think? Sex-starved Grimmjow and PMS-ing Nnoitora crack enough for ya? Drop me a line.**


	4. Bleak for some, an adventure for others

_Now, we take a break from the activities of the intrepid evil trio, to take a peek into the current predicament of one of the more under-appreciated Hollows in Las Noches. _

Hallibel beat her head against her desk in slow, rhythmic movements. If one knew her well enough, one would be aware that Hallibel only resorted to such masochism in times of extreme stress and worry.

This, unfortunately, was one of them.

"I TOLD YOU, YOU OVER-DEVELOPED SHE-BEAR, THAT _I'M _GONNA BE THE ONE TO GIVE HALLIBEL-SAMA HER FOOT MASSAGE!"

"I HEARD YOU, YOU CRETIN! I ALSO RECALL TELLING _YOU_ THAT HALLIBEL-SAMA HAS BEEN UNDER A LOT OF STRESS LATELY, AND SUCH AN IMPORTANT TASK SHOULD NOT BE LEFT TO AN INGRATE!"

"Hallibel-sama is banging her head even harder now."

"THAT'S BECAUSE OF YOU!" Apache and Mila Rose shrieked in unison, pointing accusing fingers at Sun-sun. From behind her long sleeves, Sun-sun pointed a finger back.

It was not the index.

The shouting match resumed, as Hallibel sunk further and further into depression. One would think that having such devoted Fraccion would be a blessing, but not when they were constantly fighting over which one was the_ most_ devoted.

From her little corner, Hallibel had to cast her eyes skyward. "_O God in heaven, if you're real, please tell me there's __**someone**__ out there who's suffering the same misery as I am!" _she whispered.

_*(It should probably be mentioned at this point that, somewhere in Seretei, Captain Ukitake sneezed, causing his two lieutenants to fly into a panic.)_

Hallibel sighed and turned to observe her fraccion. From behind the cloud of noise and migraine, her rational mind was working. It wasn't unusual for her fraccion to fight like this, but somehow..something seemed wrong…

Eyes narrowing in curiosity, Hallibel suddenly rose from her seat. Apache, Sun-sun and Mila Rose fell silent immediately. All three gazes were locked on her.

Hallibel waited until she was sure she had their full attention. Then, she slowly raised an arm, before pointing a finger directly at Mila Rose.

"You," she said.

"M-me?" Mila blinked nervously.

Hallibel allowed time for a dramatic pause, before opening her mouth to speak. The three fraccion unconsciously leaned forward in anticipation, waiting with baited breath to hear what words of wisdom were coming next.

"Hi," finished Hallibel simply.

There was a pregnant pause.

"**KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" **Mila Rose suddenly exploded. **"HALLIBEL-SAMA SAID HI TO ME! SHE ACTUALLY SAID HI! DID YOU SEE THAT? SHE SAID **_**HI**_**! HI, HALLIBEL-SAMA! HI!"**

Hallibel turned her back on her hyperventilating servant, rubbing her chin thoughtfully. "Hmmm. How very strange, they seem even more fangirly than usual. I wonder…" she muttered to herself. She turned again, this time to see Mila Rose passed out on the floor from blood loss (caused not only by her gushing nose, but also from Apache repeatedly kicking her in the ribs). Sun-sun, meanwhile, simply looked at Hallibel with sad puppy-eyes.

Hallibel relented.

"How's it goin', Apache? Sun-sun's wearing a nice hairclip, isn't she?"

There was a silence.

"**HALLIBEL-SAMA CARES ABOUT MY HEALTH!"**

"**SHE LIKES MY FASHION SENSE! KYAAAAAAAAA!"**

With a smug smile, Hallibel left the room unnoticed, eager to try out her new experiment elsewhere.

**00**

_Meanwhile, somewhere in a broom closet in the West Wing of Las Noches…_

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" Szayel shrieked, finally losing his grip on what little sanity he had left.

"MY fault? How the hell is this MY fault?!" Gin replied, attempting to fend off the broom Szayel was attacking him with.

"IT ALWAYS IS! YOU JUST SIT THERE WITH YOUR STUPID FOXY GRIN DOING NOTHING! YOU PRETEND TO HELP BUT YOU ALWAYS SECRETLY MAKE THINGS _WORSE_, YOU SICK BASTARD!"

"I object ta that! Name ONE time I was guilty as you say!"

"ONE TIME? I CAN GIVE YOU TWENTY! HOW ABOUT THAT TIME YOU PLANTED CATNIP IN THE GARDEN, HUH?"

"Well-"

"DO YOU HAVE ANY _IDEA_ HOW LONG IT TOOK TO GET GRIMMJOW BACK INSIDE THE HOUSE? HUH? HUH? DO YOU?"

"Well, technically, it ain't really a house-"

"WHAT ABOUT THE TIME TOSEN BOUGHT THAT ARTS-AND-CRAFTS KIT FOR WONDERWEISS? THE ONE WITH THE LITTLE SEQUINS? AND SOMEONE JUST _HAPPENED_ TO LEAVE A BOTTLE OF INDUSTRIAL-STRENGTH SUPERGLUE OUT IN THE OPEN!"

"Well, ya see-"

"EVERYONE BLAMED _ME_ FOR THAT! I SPENT THREE WEEKS GETTING THOSE HEARTS OFF AIZEN'S COAT! _THREE WEEKS_!"

"It was an accident!" Gin whined.

"ACCIDENT, MY ASS! YOU PLANNED IT, JUST LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO! AND NOW, THANKS TO YOU, THERE'S A SEX-STARVED PREDATOR ON THE LOOSE JUST _WAITING_ TO POUNCE ON SOMEONE!"

"DON'T YA GO BLAMIN' _ME_ FER THIS!" Gin cried. "T'WASN'T _ME _WHO WENT AND LEFT THE DOOR UNGUARDED SO HE COULD ESCAPE!"

"DON'T YOU GO BLAMING ME EITHER!" Szayel's face was beginning to turn a very dangerous shade of purple. "WHAT DID YOU EXPECT ME TO DO, STAND THERE ALL DAY? AND ANYWAY, I DIDN'T SEE _YOU _COMPLAINING WHEN I LEFT!" Szayel thwacked Gin on the head once more with the broom, just for good measure. He finally sank to the floor, sobbing about madmen and rapists.

The normally stoic Gin was surprised to find himself in the mood for a nervous breakdown as well. "Ulquiorra," he turned, ashen-faced, to the impossibly-cheerful brunette, "just…kill me. Kill me now. Gore me through the heart with that pointy bit on yer helmet."

Ulquiorra bumped his head against Gin's chest repeatedly. "Is it working?" he asked somewhat anxiously.

"No. Yer doin' a good job of pokin' me in the ribs, though."

He sighed, rubbing his temples. Things did not look good. It troubled him that the terminally happy Ulquiorra could quite possibly be the sanest one in the group at this point.

"Look. Szayel. Things ain't gonna get fixed if we just sit around mopin' all day. We'll run outta oxygen," he gestured around the tiny broom closet.

Szayel sniffed in response. "Easy for you to say. You don't have a rapidly gender-bending Nnoitora looking to kill you for being an insensitive pig. I think I'd rather just sit here and suffocate. It'll be less painful."

Gin sighed and tried again. "If we don't find antidotes to all these poisons o' yers, Aizen'll probably kill me. Do ya know what that means? It means, after you die in this broom closet, I'll find ya in hell and be a pain in yer ass fer the rest o' yer afterlife. Do ya really want that?"

Szayel, sniffled again, pondering this. "No," he finally admitted.

"Good. Then get yer pink ass up off'a that bucket, and let's go look for th' remaining victims!"

"What about Grimmjow?" quipped Ulquiorra curiously.

Gin sighed. "Worst comes ta worst, we tell him we're diseased."

**00**

Hallibel stalked the halls, beginning to grow impatient. It had been a good fifteen minutes, and she _still_ hadn't found any other Arrancar! She had to attribute it to the sheer size of Las Noches.

Suddenly, she heard voices coming from just around the corner. _Finally! _

She flattened herself against the wall, trying to remain unseen, and poked her head out as far as she dared.

It appeared to be two nameless Arrancar, a boy and a girl, deep in conversation about whether Kermit the Frog could really be classified as an amphibian, seeing as he never seemed to enter water. _Perfect,_ thought Hallibel. _Fools won't even notice me_.

She snuck up behind them noiselessly, targeting the weaker-looking boy. Taking a deep breath (and hoping for the sake of her dignity that this would work), she rapped him on the shoulder.

"Huh?" he turned, reminding Hallibel vaguely of a meerkat. She bent down so her face was level with his. "Hi," she tried.

The boy blinked stupidly at her. "Hi?" he responded, seemingly confused.

Hallibel frowned behind her mask and straightened up_. Okay, that didn't work. Now what?_

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the nameless Arrancar girl moving her lips slowly. She turned, realising the girl was now staring at her, mouth agape. Hallibel tilted her head slightly. "Hello?"

The girl squealed and stuttered in response, knees knocking together. Hallibel eyed her behaviour curiously. Suddenly, an idea struck her. "What's your name, girl?" she asked.

"O-O-Octavia, ma'am!" squeaked the girl in response. Hallibel nodded. "Good. Now, Ocatvia? Beat this guy up," she pointed a finger at the unfortunate male Arrancar.

"As you wish, ma'am!" replied the girl, breathlessly, pouncing on her friend without a second's doubt. The boy shrieked in a decidedly unmanly way as his female counterpart proceeded to beat him to a pulp.

Hallibel stored this information away for further use, and turned to watch the boy being wailed on.

"Interesting."

**YARGH! I feel so un-macho today! I spent the entire chapter rambling, didn't I? DIDN'T I? *proceeds to have a nervous breakdown of her own, smacking random people with a broom* I DON'T UPDATE FOR AGES AND I END UP WITH THIS CRAP? *throttles self***

**Ah, forget it. Just. Please. Review. Before I kill myself here. **


	5. Nessecary Evil

Grimmjow poked his nose around the corner, sniffing industriously. He was hoping to catch the scent of someone, _anyone _(but preferably that pretty pink-haired one, just because he saw him first). Grimmjow growled. This was getting him nowhere! Ordinarily, he would have been perfectly happy with stalking his victims all day (that's just how good his focus was, wasn't it?) but now…

The blue-haired half-panther rubbed himself against the wall as he passed it. Damn! What the hell had happened? One minute he was fine, the next, it felt like someone had lit a fire in his belly. All of a sudden he was filled with this irresistible urge, no,_ desire_ to attack someone. He wanted to pounce, to make someone scream, he wanted to sink his teeth into soft flesh, rip off clothes, and then…

Grimmjow rowled happily to himself at the thought_. Don't worry,_ he told himself. _Just find that scent again, the delicious candy-coloured one that smells like some dangerous chemical…_

He sniffed around some more, curiously examining the broom closet he had just come across. _Three scents? One smells like Pinky, but the other two…_

Snuffling noises could be heard as Grimmjow investigated the room thoroughly. He detected a faintly greyish scent, something smoky and light that made him sneeze. There was another one, though, a vaguely green one, that reminded him faintly of burning spices_. Burning spices? Interesting…_

Eyes gleaming and tail a-swish, Grimmjow followed his nose out of the broom closet and down the hall...

**00**

Gin poked his head around the corner, investigating his surroundings thoroughly before waving his hand to signal his comrades. "Coast is clear," he whispered. Szayel appeared behind him, Ulquiorra in tow. "Good. Now, we should try to get to the Seventh's room as fast as possible. Are you keeping a lookout for anything coming up behind us, Ulquiorra?"

At the mention of his name, Ulquiorra saluted cheerfully. "No sign of 'that bastard' anywhere, sir!" he quipped. Szayel nodded in approval. "Everybody go!"

The trio sprinted down the hallway, ducking between pillars at an exaggerated attempt to keep hidden. After what seemed like an eternity, they finally reached Zommari's chamber. Gin rapped his knuckles on the door twice.

The door opened, and Zommari emerged. "May I help you, my amour-challenged comrades?" he boomed in his deep voice. Szayel rolled his eyes inwardly at the Espada's peculiar style of speech. "Have you been experiencing any strange symptoms lately?" he cut to the chase.

"No, I'm perfectly normal. Why?"

Szayel sighed. "We've been checking up on the Espada to find out if anyone was affected by my poisons," he explained briefly. Zommari nodded in understanding. "You mean the poisons you mixed up in our tea?"

Szayel narrowed his eyes. "It wasn't my fault."

Zommari held his hands up in surrender. "Whatever you say, comrade." He disappeared back into his room. Szayel rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

"Gin?" he suddenly called, startling his companions slightly. Gin nodded to show he was listening. Szayel chewed his lip slowly, before finally speaking.

"I've been wondering…is Aeroniero capable of drinking?"

Gin stared at Szayel for a second or two after hearing the odd question. He opened his mouth.

"Whut?"

Szayel sighed in academic frustration. "I was just wondering. I mean, since Aeroniero is, effectively, a fish tank with a body…how does he drink the tea during Aizen's meetings?"

Gin pondered this briefly. "Have ya ever seen him pouring tea inta his little fishy tank?" he asked finally. Szayel shook his head no. "Then I have no idea," replied Gin confidently.

Szayel facepalmed.

"I shouldn't have asked you."

"That's mean."

"Rooowwl."

"Sorry?"

"I didn't say anything."

"Roooowl."

As one man, Gin and Szayel turned around.

**00**

Grimmjow purred.

_Finally!_ After almost twenty minutes of searching, he'd finally found his prey! Grimmjow was pleased with himself. _And there were three of them, no less! What fun!_

He felt his ears flatten backwards against his blue mane. His tail swished back and forth, just _itching _to pounce. He waited, though. His prey was doing something amusing.

"Ulquiorra," said the pink-haired one, not taking his eyes off Grimmjow.

"Yes?"

"Did I or did I not tell you to watch our backs?"

"You did."

"Then _why_, pray tell, is Grimmjow here?"

"Because…because…I thought you told me to keep an eye out for Nnoitora…"

There was a silence.

Grimmjow tilted his head curiously as the pink-haired one suddenly grabbed the brunette and proceeded to slap him. Several times.

"…ow…"

Grimmjow meowed happily and took a step forward, eyes glinting triumphantly. The three in front of him froze in their movements.

"Gin."

"Yes?"

"What do we do?"

"…we run away. Quickly."

Grimmjow rowled.

They ran.

**00**

"**I'LL KILL YOU. I'M GONNA FRIGGIN KILL YOU, YOU EVIL SUNNUVABITCH."**

Gin tightened his hold on Szayel's shoulders to prevent him from murdering Ulquiorra. "Calm down, calm down. The kid's right, we didn't really tell 'im who ta look out fer."

Szayel continued to mutter under his breath.** "Useless. Bastard. Almost. Got us raped. And then. Murdered,"** he growled, attempting to make his way towards a humming Ulquiorra sitting in the corner of their new broom closet. Gin pulled Szayel back. "Now, now. What'll Aizen say when he finds out ya killed off his favourite Emospada, eh?" He sat Szayel down, forcefully, and plonked down next to him.

"I'll admit, though," he said after a lapse of silence, "that Ulquiorra in this present state is dangerous. I'm sorry ta have ta say this, but…" he sighed, not really sorry at all. "That boy just has to go!"

Szayel grunted. "And how do you propose we do that? He's attached to us. Much like a leech," he shuddered.

If possible, Gin's ear-to-ear smile widened even further at that point. "Well, Pinky, I'm glad ya asked."

**00**

"Faster, Ulquiorra!" Szayel called, running forward. Ulquiorra jogged to keep up. "Where are we going, Pinky?" he asked breathlessly, happy to be paid so much attention. Szayel smiled toothily at him. "Didn't I tell you? We're going to play a game!"

Ulquiorra gasped, envy-coloured eyes widening. "A game!" he repeated. "What sort of game?"

"It ain't really a game, per se," butt in Gin from directly behind them. "It's more of something fun we thought ya might like to do."

"And what's that?" Ulquiorra seemed ready to explode with anticipation.

"Why," Szayel's teeth flashed, "we're going to go pet a kitty!"

**00**

"You're absolutely sure he's in there?"

"Saw 'im with my own to eyes."

Szayel refrained from passing a comment about Gin's ability to see through his eyelids. Instead, he cautiously extended his neck to peer into the Espada's Bingo Room (yes, they have a bingo room. Don't ask why.) Sure enough, a familiar silhouette was prowling around inside, sniffing at random objects. Szayel nodded, a look of grim determination etched on his effeminately handsome features. "Are you ready?" he asked Gin.

"To sacrifice another person? Always."

Szayel grit his teeth, and grabbed Ulquiorra by the shoulders. Gin did the same.

"GO PET THE KITTY, ULQUIORRA!" they screamed in unison, and shoved Ulquiorra through the door.

Szayel and Gin slammed the door shut and pressed their ears to it. They heard a muffled growl of surprise. Then, Ulquiorra's voice.

"Why, hello there, kitty! What blue hair you have! There's a nice kitty. Come here so Ulquiorra can give you a nice, big- hey, what are you doing? Wait…WAIT! AARGH! GIN! SZAYEL! I DON'T WANNA PET THE KITTY! **NUUUUUUU!"**

There was a howl, and a thud.

Then, silence.

Gin turned to look at Szayel mournfully, saying nothing. Szayel stuck out his lower lip at the expression Gin was making.

"Don't look at me like that!" he snapped. "It was for the greater good!"

**Yargh. I feel really, really un-macho. My Poison pink! What's happened to you? It's getting worse. *cries***

**Out of curiosity, does anyone know what happens to a Hollow's soul once it's purified? Does it go to Soul Society or does it just disappear?**

**00**


	6. Female emancipation

"Master Nnoitora? Master Nnoitoooooooora~! "

Tesla tiptoed forward, straining his ears for any sign of his master anywhere. He was worried. Ordinarily, Nnoitora would have revealed himself by now, if only to smack Tesla for making that much noise. Now, though, he was nowhere to be seen.

Tesla detected a faint sniffing noise coming from Nnoitora's bed. He edged his way closer.

"Master Nnoitora?"

The ectomorphic figure jumped slightly, whipping around. Tesla was startled to see that Nnoitora's face was unusually red. He leaned forward, screwing up his eyes in the dim light. "Master Nnoitora?"

Nnoitora bowed his head guiltily, hastily wiping tears away. "Wh-what is it?" he choked out, back still turned to face his Fraccion. Tesla's eyes widened at the sound of his master's voice. Why did he sound so high-pitched and strange? He hopped up on the bed behind Nnoitora. "Master? Your nose is all red! And your eyes look puffy. What happened?"

Nnoitora shook his head hastily, wincing at the pathetic thickness of his own voice. "Dust. I'm allergic," he lied.

Tesla frowned, concern showing in his one good eye. He knew his master hated it when Tesla let that expression show, but right now he just couldn't help it. He laid a hand on Nnoitora's shoulder gently.

Nnoitora sniffled once more. "Tesla…" he sounded on the verge of tears. "Those guys…I hate them! I _hate_ them! Why are they always so mean to me? Is it because of the way I look? The way I speak? What is it about me that nobody likes?"

Truth be told, Tesla hadn't the faintest idea what the hell was wrong. Still, though, he got the feeling he was needed. He squeezed his master's shoulder affectionately, an action that would normally get him killed. "They're just jealous, Master! They're jealous of how strong and ambitious you are! They're just taking it out on you because they know they could never match up to you no matter _how_ hard they tried!" he attempted to console the weeping Arrancar.

Nnoitora sniffled again, although this time Tesla thought he could detect a small smile. "That's really sweet, Tesla," he leaned his head backwards so it rested on his servant's shoulder. "You're the best, you know that? I can't imagine why I don't tell you that more often." To Tesla's bewilderment (but not displeasure), Nnoitora leaned over to plant a peck on his cheek.

_Soft lips…_

Tesla clutched at his cheek stupidly, trying his damnest not to melt right onto the floor. Instead, he settled for pressing his cheek (rather gingerly, for he still wasn't sure how he would react) against his master's. Nnoitora laughed.

Deciding it best not to question his sudden breakdown, Tesla watched in fascination as Nnoitora stood up and walked to the bathroom, presumably to wash the tearstains off his face. After a few minutes of splashing, Nnoitora called out to Tesla from the sink.

"Tesla! What do you think about helping me find a new uniform?"

Tesla jumped up. "You'd like me to retrieve a spare from the closet, Master?" he confirmed. Nnoitora poked his head through the doorframe. "No, no, silly. I mean, I want a new design. I don't want to wear this old thing anymore."

Telsa tilted his head to the left. "But why? What's wrong with your old uniform, Master?"

"This thing? Would you look at this collar?" he chuckled a response. "That emo kid was right, I _do_ look like a spoon. And I'm not too happy about the front bit, either."

"What's wrong with the front bit?" asked a mystified Tesla.

Nnoitora stepped out the bathroom, facing Tesla head-on for the first time. "What's wrong with it? Well, I think it's showing off a little more cleavage than strictly necessary , don't you… Tesla? TESLA!"

Nnoitora watched in horror as Tesla stumbled backwards, clutching a profusely bleeding nose.

**00**

"Your smoothie, Hallibel-sama."

"Your manicure is finished, Hallibel-sama."

Hallibel nodded and shifted in her seat, watching the Arrancar around her in mild amusement. Just this afternoon, she had discovered, she had suddenly developed a strange hold on lesser Arrancar. She didn't fully understand why this was happening, but she (quite accurately) surmised that it must be Szayel's doing. It wasn't particularly _bad_, having a small army of Arrancar worshiping the ground she walked on, but what she couldn't quite fathom was, why did this phenomena only affect _females_?

Halliel chewed her lip from behind her mask, eyes darting over the small crowd gathered in front of her. She and her merry band had hijacked the Espada theatre (yes, they had one of those too) and she was currently sitting on the giant stage in a comfy armchair. About a hundred female Arrancar were milling about in the spectator's area, doing various trivial things that undoubtedly made them feel important. She smiled. Really, she had to hand it to them. In less than an hour, her following of four had vastly multiplied, and they had taken over about half of the East Wing. Any male unfortunate enough to wander too close had found themselves attacked, stripped and thrown out into the desert. To top it all off, Hallibel didn't have to lift a finger. The girls seemd to run themselves.

Life was good.

Hallibel raised her head as Mila Rose approached, bearing a piece of paper. "Hallibel-sama, two other males have tried to infiltrate our base."

"And what did you do with them?"

"We took their clothes and threw them out the window."

Hallibel grinned. "Good job." Mila Rose tried hard not to blush at the complement. Without warning, Hallibel stood. "Mila Rose. Gather everyone here in front of me. I wish to address them."

Mila Rose bowed and backed away to her duty. Hallibel scrathed her chin, humming softly to herself. Life was good, she agreed. But it could get better.

She stepped out to the edge of the stage, looking down at expectant faces. "Ladies," she intoned. The excited whispers stopped and a great hush fell. Hallibel cleared her throat.

"Who is your queen?" she asked. A chorus of voices answered her. "You are, Hallibel-sama!"

Hallibel shook her head. 'No, you are mistaken. I am not your queen. I am…"

She paused for dramatic effect.

"Your** GOD**."

To Hallibel's increasing glee, there was a collective intake of breath from her audience. The whispered started again.

"Hallibel-sama is so powerful!"

"Genius, genius! Hallibel-sama will save us all!"

"Hallibel-sama will guide us to victory!"

_Victory? _Hallibel thought. _Victory of what?_

She eyed the excitable crowd for a minute or so, cogs in her mind turning furiously. An idea struck her.

"Silence!" she thundered (or tried her best to thunder, it was difficult when you had a collar in the way). There was immediate quiet.

Hallibel raised a hand, drawing the attention back to herself. "My loyal followers," she commanded. "I am your Goddess. These," she indicated her three Fraccion, "are your High Priestesses. Come with me, and together, we shall rule! Together, we shall smite all those who dare claim themselves to be King! Together, we shall…_take over Las Noches!"_

For about a minute, there was silence. Then, a great tidal wave of chanting began. "**Long live the Goddess Hallibel! Long live the Goddess Hallibel! Down with Aizen! Down with Gin! Down with Tosen! We will be victorious! We shall smite! WE SHALL TAKE OVER! WE SHALL TAKE OVER!"**

The chanting melted into a medley of battle cries and barbaric screams, each more terrifying than the last. The newly minted Goddess of Las Noches smiled at her chaotic creation, and spake thusly;

"This should be interesting."

**HAHAHA. I FEL UN-MACHO TODAY SO THIS IS ALL YOU GIT! DON'T BOTHER ME NAU! MY HEAD HURTS! And REVIEW, DAMN YOU! I don't even have like, 50 reviews yet! :I**

**That aside, whaddya think about Nnoitora and Tesla's GHEY moment? Cute? Not cute? Do you wish to slap me for it? (Well you CAN'T. I'm on the other side of the screen so HAHA.)**

**Also, I've started watching Katekyo Hitman Reborn, and am halfway through season two. And all I have to say it, "HOMAGOW ADULT LAMBO! SO SEXXY!" *faints* Especially since he cries! And KURAKAWA! Betch, you stole my hairstyle! DD: **

**I'll try to update soon. I'LL DO IT WITH MY DYING WILL!**


	7. Discoveries

"What about this one, Tesla?"

Nnoitora bounced out of the changing room, twirling in front of a seated Tesla. Tesla tilted his head to the side, eyeing the halter neck and short skirt carefully. He shook his head, pursing his lips slightly. "It looks nice and everything," he sighed, "but I don't think it really suits you, Maste- I mean, Mistress."

Nnoitora pouted and flounced back into the changing room. Tesla had to smile. It was true his master- uh, mistress- was acting strangely, but it was a nice kind of strange. Nnoitora was usually a rough-and-tumble kind of guy (not that Tesla was complaining or anything), but this new, gentle, appreciative Nnoitora was actually a nice change.

Tesla frowned and scratched his chin awkwardly as Nnoitora shuffled about in the changing room. He couldn't quite fathom why, but Nnoitora looked different all of a sudden. Somehow a bit shorter, and slightly curvier. _Curvier? That was a weird thought. Especially for a person like him, all long and stringy like a bean. A nice bean, though,_ thought Tesla off-handedly. It was true, though. Somehow, when one looked at Nnoitora now, the attention was immediately called to the…slightly more obvious posterior_. And the sudden expanse in the chest area, of course. Can't forget the chest, now._ Tesla blushed slightly. Yup. Can't forget the chest.

"Tesla! What about this one?"

Tesla raised his eyebrows at the long, high-collared dress, in the characteristic white of Las Noches. Nnoitora did a twirl, swinging bell-shaped sleeves and revealing the long slit in the dress going all the way up to the thigh. He- she, rather- had tied her hair up in a high ponytail and removed the eyepatch, instead letting long bangs cover her hollow hole. Nnoiotra giggled at Tesla's expression. "You like it?"

Tesla nodded his head somewhat jerkily. "It looks nice," he choked, throat suddenly mysteriously dry. Nnoitora batted her –_suddenly longer_- eyelashes at him and waved a gloved hand at the waiting Arrancar attendant. "Get me a few sets of these. I want to try on something else," she turned and went back into the changing room.

Tesla sighed. If things kept up, this was going to be a very nice day.

**00**

Nnoitora held up an off-shoulder blouse and wondered idly if it would look any good. She felt deliriously happy. Who knew it could be so much fun picking out new clothes? After this, she decided, they would have to visit the Las Noches cobbler to pick up some shoes. She definitely needed new boots to go with that dress.

That dress…Tesla had liked it, hadn't he? Nnoitora grinned to herself at the memory of her wide-eyed Fraccion. What an adorable expression. And he always did fawn over her, catering to her every whim. Such a gentleman. And he really treated her well, not like everyone else. Tesla worshipped her. Tesla made her feel like a princess.

Nnoitora blushed despite herself. _Stop it! He doesn't like you that way!_ she chided herself_. He's only here because you asked him to come._ He definitely wouldn't enjoy himself helping her at the make-up counter. Not even if she tested new makeup out on him. And he_ definitely_ wouldn't appreciate her telling him how cute he is with blusher on his cheeks. Nope. Not at all. _Although…it might be nice to test out some kiss-proof lip gloss on him…you know, just to see if it works. _

Pulling the blouse over her head, Nnoitora was so engulfed in her thoughts, that she didn't feel the reiatsu approaching.

**00**

Hallibel uncrossed her legs and leaned forward at the arrival of her newest Bishop, Octavia. The girl bowed low, acknowledging her new lord and master.

"How are things going with the recruitment squads?" asked Hallibel.

She was, of course, referring to the dozen or so teams of Arrancar that had been dispatched to kidnap new recruits to have them drafted into the Order of Tia, as it had come to be called. Hallibel had to admit, it was cruel to be snatching them away like that. Still, once they met her, _not one_ of the new recruits had declined a position.

Octavia smiled slightly in response. "Things are going well, Supreme Goddess Hallibel. In the space of one day, our ranks have grown from one hundred to five hundred and counting. Even now, girls are being brought in to be enlightened by your holiness and assist in our battle to reclaim your throne."

"And what of the Inquisition?"

"They have since captured close to two hundred of the male abominations for questioning. I have been told that these males deny any knowledge of their male supremacy, and insist we are making false accusations." Octavia's expression darkened somewhat. Hallibel noticed the girl pronounced the word "male" the same way one might say "plague" or "vermin" or "wart". This pleased her, of course.

"False accusations?" Hallibel let out a bitter laugh. "How are we making false accusations? I imagine these males have failed to notice that all the positions of power are being held by_ men_? In all the Espada, I am the only female. It may be true that several of these men were born before us, but that gives them no right to trod on us like we are their servants! The time has come for feminism to take over!"

Octavia nodded vigorously at her Goddess's monologue, eyes widened in awe and fascination. She retreated to her duties, leaving Hallibel to mull in her own thoughts.

_Humph. That'll teach 'em. Years and years of parading around almost naked at the request of Aizen-bloody-sama, putting up with the indignation of wolf whistles and poorly-concealed sexual innuendoes, not to mention having to share the same disgusting bathrooms as the rest of the Espada. I mean, what is up with that? Are men completely incapable of keeping their surroundings clean? Is it genetically impossible? And how demeaning is it to have to take showers in the middle of the night so nobody walks in on you? Has nobody here ever heard of locks? Is Aizen really that cheap?_

Hallibel snapped out of her musings at the sound of approaching footsteps. "What is it, High Priestesses?" she smiled.

Apache bowed, stepping forward. "Supreme Goddess-sama, we were out with the recruitment squads just now, and, well, we found something rather…odd," she finished, shifting uncomfortably. She moved aside to reveal Mila Rose and Sun-sun, leading…_something._

Seconds passed in silence.

"Nnoitora?"

**VOOOOOOOOOI! I'm feeling slightly more macho now. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! WHY WON'T YOU REVIEW! Please? Please? Pretty please? With sugar and sprinkles and Renji on top? **

**And also, YAY FLUFF. Not having Ulquiorra around for a couple of chapters made me feel the need to up the cuteness factor. What do you think? Was it too much? Or was it okay? ): Tell me please. Make me happy. REVIEW. They are my lifeblood. **

**Male!Nnoitora doesn't deserve Tesla. He's too much of a sweetie pie for that meanie spoon-bastard to appreciate. Harrumph. ):**


	8. Victim the fifth

"I don't believe you."

Hallibel stopped her pacing and turned to the source of the voice. Nnoitora stared at her evenly, face set in grim determination.

"I'm sorry?"

"I don't believe you. I don't think men are evil. It's not true." Unbidden, Nnoitora's thoughts returned to Tesla, her loyal Fraccion. Tesla was quite possibly the sweetest and most well-mannered creature alive, and he was very much a male.

Hallibel wasn't amused. She stalked forward, unzipping her jacket enough to reveal her Hollow mask, making her look all the more intimidating. Light glinted off the bone crown nestling in her hair. Her Fraccion- High Priestesses, Hallibel corrected herself- were right; it really was a noble-looking thing, definitely becoming of a goddess such as herself. Somehow managing to look taller than Nnoiotra, Hallibel placed both hands on her captive's shoulders, looking her right in the eye.

"You're one of us now, Nnoiotra. There is no denying it. Look at yourself," she whispered. "The order of Tia is sucking you in. There is no escape."

Nnoitora shook her head defiantly. "This is madness!" she cried. "Look at you, Hallibel, you're drunk with power! You've changed! You're turning into—into _Aizen_!"

Hallibel erupted into mirthless laughter, all teeth and no humour. "See? You admit it yourself, Nnoitora! _Aizen_. He's a monster, is he not? But do you know _why_?"

"It's because he's insane, why else?"

"No, Nnoitora." Hallibel leaned forward, light glinting off her pupils. "It's because he's a _man_."

"Liar!"

"You know I'm right, Nnoitora! Think back to every injustice you've ever received. Whose fault was it always? Was it women who hurt you…or was it men?"

"That isn't true! Tesla's always nice to me!"

"He's nice to you only because he knows you're more powerful than him. If he had the chance to walk all over you, don't you think he would?"

"N-No! Tesla's not like that!"

"How do you know that?" Hallibel murmured, eyes narrowing villainously. "You have no way of judging his character, Nnoitora. Tesla's just like every other man. He wants to be more powerful than you, and once he is, he'll boss you around_. Just like all the others."_

Nnoitora wanted to scream, to deny everything Hallibel was saying, but somehow she just couldn't bring herself to do it. Not now, not here. She was just too intimidated. With her crown and mask of bone, her grace and her raw power, Hallibel looked too much like a queen for Nnoitora to handle.

Seeing this, Hallibel went in for the kill. "All throughout the history of mankind, women have been oppressed, Nnoiotra. But not anymore. Now, we take over. I'm offering you the chance to _rule."_

Nnoitora faltered, unsure what to do. It was true, she had to admit, everyone who ruled her now seemed to be men. She was helpless. And although Nnoitora's appearance and demeanour had drastically changed, there was one thing that hadn't. She _hated _feeling helpless.

Hallibel held her hand out to Nnoitora, eyes glinting in triumph.

"_Join us, Nnoitora."_

**00**

Szayel frowned and pointed to a nude male form running across the sand, covering his bare essentials with both hands. Gin nodded in acknowledgement, letting out a soft whistle of wonder and pity, or possibly of relief that he didn't have to go through the same thing as that poor sod. Those sands had to be hot.

"That's the fifth one today. Was there a streakin' party I wasn't invited to?" he sighed. Szayel didn't bother concealing a snort. "Didn't stop you that time last month."

Gin humphed through his nose. "It was hot, an' I was bored. Honestly, I do it _one time_ and I'm branded for life. Can we focus please? There are more important things ta worry about now."

Szayel ignored him, and instead turned his head in the direction from which the unfortunate exhibitionist had come. "Where are these people_ coming_ from?"

"Let's ask." Gin leaned out the balcony and hollered down to the running man. He looked up, and, seeing them, waved desperately for them to let him in. Gin turned to Szayel. "Go get 'im."

Szayel looked affronted. "Why should I do it?"

"I ain't touching a naked man."

Szayel raised an immaculately shaped eyebrow. "Need I remind you that I've already, at your request, been forced to confront a sex-starved predator? I've had enough for one day, thank you. I nearly died. The least you could do is go pick up and Arrancar, naked or not."

Gin pouted hopped off the balcony, for once unable to come up with a smart remark. He flash-steppd down, scooped up the Arrancar and leapt back up to join Szayel.

"THANK GOD! Thank you, thank you, thankyouthankyou so much…"

"Uh-huh." Gin took off his coat and tossed it to the man, more out of concern for his own sanity than out of kindness. "You can keep that coat, by the way."

He man sniffled and nodded, looking on the verge of tears. Szayel tilted his head curiously and regarded the Arrancar. "Haven't I seen you before?" he asked. The Arrancar nodded in the affirmative. "My name is Ggio, Szayel-sama. I'm one of King Barragan's Fraccion."

"What the hell happened to you? What's with all these naked people?"

Ggio shuddered at some unspeakable memory. "It was HER, Szayel-sama. _Hallibel."_

"Hallibel??"

"Yes. Here I was minding my own business, when all of a sudden I'm waylaid by three girls screaming something about the great goddess Hallibel. Next thing I know, they're ripping my clothes off. Normally I wouldn't have minded, of course, except they tossed me out the window after that."

Gin patted Ggio on the back understandingly. "Girls can be like that sometimes," he advised. Szayel, however, wasn't as easily convinced. "Three girls? Hallibel's Fraccion, perhaps? I wouldn't be surprised at them yelling 'Goddess Hallibel', but…why go around throwing people out the window? Were those Hallibel's orders or have they just gone completely bonkers?"

Ggio sniffled again, shrugging. He jumped suddenly, realisation suddenly hitting him. "_Szayel-sama_! I just remembered why I was here before I was distracted by those girls! I need you to come to King Barragan's room, there's a _really_ big problem!"

Szayel pricked up his ears at that. "Problem? What happened?"

Ggio bit his lip uncertainly, at a loss for words. "I really can't explain it, Szayel-sama. I think you need to come see."

**00**

"HALLELUJAH! SZAYEL-SAMA, WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?!"

Redder came shooting out of Barragan's room, skidding to a halt in front of the bespectacled scientist. Findor came soon after, wailing and flailing his arms around. Gin couldn't tell if he was crying behind the mask he was wearing.

Ggio strode up to the door, placing a hand on it. He turned, worried, to his fellow fraccion. They nodded. Ggio bit his lip and opened the door. "Be prepared, Szayel-sama."

Immediately, they nearly fell over as an incredible wave of noise assaulted them. Clawing his way into the room, Szayel saw another one of Barragan's fraccion, Neng Poww cowering in a corner with his hands over his ears. Szayel looked wildly around the room, Gin close behind, desperately searching for the source of the electric screeching.

"There!" Gin pointed towards Barragan's bed. Szayel turned, mouth agape, and stared at the figure jumping and headbanging in the enormous four-poster in time to the noise.

"WHAT THE HELL?!"

The man on the bed turned, still jumping. He was young, scarcely older than the prisoner Orihime, decked in a ripped T-shirt and unbelievably tight jeans. His hair was white despite his age, wild and untamed, tanned skin marked with scars. Dread pooling in the base of his stomach, Szayel recognized something vaguely familiar about the man- the boy, rather.

"WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE?" he screamed above the noise.

The teen grinned, extending his hand in a strange salute with his thumb, index and pinky fingers. "What's up, pops?" he called jeeringly. "Check out the awesome stereo I found!" he somersaulted in mid-air, landing on his feet and continuing to rock wildly to the sound on the stereo.

Gin struggled to stand upright without being knocked over by the soundwaves. "TURN THAT DAMNED NOISE DOWN!" he screeched desperately, feeling like his head was about to explode. The teen let out a barking laugh, flipping his middle finger at them. "No bleedin' way! This is my favourite part!" He held his arms up, air-guitaring his way across the room in time to the beat.

"Wait! Who are, you, and what have you done with Barragan?" Szayel yelled after him. The boy laughed again and turned, sticking his tongue out in a way reminiscent of Nnoitora.

"Don't you know, you old geezer? I _am_ Barragan! You're lookin' at Hueco Mundo's god…of _**rock!"**_

**Well HELLO, dudes and dudettes! What? Why haven't I updated in so long, you ask? Well, funny story, that. Thing is, I've been on vacation for the past two weeks to London! I have to say it wasn't much fun. Haha. We spent most of the time driving around the countryside, so I really didn't enjoy myself at all. Especially in that hell-hole called Stratford. **

**HOWEVER.**

**HOLYSHIT HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO FRANCE?**

**I went there too, you see, and HOMAGOD it was DA BOMBB! Too bad I was only there for three days. SIGGGH. And you know? The people there were actually really nice. I don't get why everyone says the French are grumpy. Maybe they're only that way to other whites? XD**

**Moving on, though. What do y'all think of Barragan reverting to his teenage years, eh? Awesome, no? Well too bad. I didn't think of it. Markus Wolfe did. I HOPE YOU'RE READING THIS, YOU AWFUL, AWFUL PERSON. HOW DARE YOU COME UP WITH SUCH AWESOME IDEAS, YOU JERK? XD **

**So as you can see I didn't come up with that idea. I adore it, though. DAMN YOU, MARKUS. **

**Okay, okay. Enough misplaced anger. You know, I was actually listening to Shakira's "She Wolf" while writing the first part?**

"_**There's a she-man in the closet,**_

_**Let it out and set it free,**_

_**There's a she-man in the closet,**_

_**Let it out so it can breed."**_


	9. Plan of Action

Szayel turned absently to the door, chewing his lip. It was still far too loud to go in, and he, Gin and Barragan's Fraccion had opted instead to sit outside to discuss matters.

"So, you mean to tell me that two hours within returning from the meeting, you walked in on Barragan and he looked like that?"

"Exacta, Szayel-sama," affirmed Findor, close to tears. "We had no idea it was him, until he called himself Barragan. His reiatsu is the same as King Barragan's, so we had to take his word for it."

Szayel sighed, annoyed. "This is what happens when you drink an entire vial of Poison Immortal in one go."

"It made him immortal?!"

"He's already immortal. It just made him young. At least he's safe, for the time being, as long as he's content to stay in his room and destroy his eardrums. In the meantime, I need to ask you something. Have you seen any women, lately?"

Redder spluttered, turning slightly red. "I think that's a rather personal question, Szayel-sama!"

Szayel clicked his tongue impatiently. "No, stupid, I meant have you actually physically seen and women walking around?"

Neng Poww shook his head slowly. "We've heard rumours about those girls doing strange things, Szayel-sama," he said. Ggio nodded vigorously in agreement. "Remember, they took my clothes?"

There was a pause. Redder looked at him incredulously. "They took your clothes? Is THAT why you came back wearing nothing but Lord Gin's coat?"

"Well yes, they found me and gave me the cloak so I wouldn't freeze to death."

"Oh."

Ggio's eyes narrowed at Redder's sudden interest in the floor. "What are you implying?" he asked suspiciously.

"Nothing!" said Redder quickly, averting his gaze. "I just wondered, is all, why you came back with Lord Gin AND Szayel-sama, wearing _nothing at all_."

Ggio was silent, until it hit him. "PERVERT!" he yelled, face reddening as realisation dawned on him.

"Don't be ashamed of our relationship, Ggio."

"LORD GIN! YOU AREN'T HELPING!"

Szayel payed no attention as Ggio started smacking Redder, instead musing on his own thoughts. "Women are doing strange things, and Hallibel's behind it. So, that means she has to be controlling them somehow. But how?" Szayel racked his brain, trying to remember the list of chemicals that had been stolen. "Poison Sparkler. Poison Femme. Poison Immortal. Poison Lust. Poison…OH DEAR LORD NO."

He stood up suddenly, drawing their attention. "Hallibel's got control over all Hueco Mundo's women! And now she has the power to do whatever she wants with them!"

Gin tugged on his hakama, eyebrows furrowing slightly. "Whaddya mean, control over all th' women?"

"It was my final poison, Poison Pheromone. It was supposed to make the subject more attractive to women, but it's still in its experimental stages. Right now it's far too powerful. If Hallibel had an entire test tubeful, she would have any female she meets under her thumb! And what's worse…she's having them go around attacking random men!"

"That could be epic!"

"No, that could be BAD! _VERY, VERY BAD!_ We have to figure out what she's planning!"

"How? The moment she sees us, she'll have us naked and sandy. And," said Gin, and before anyone could cut in, "as erotic as that sounds, it prolly wouldn't be too good fer us."

Szayel frowned, rubbing his temples nervously. "We need a woman to get our information for us. But, even if we could find one, she'd be under Hallibel's spell the moment she walked through the door." He sat back down, crestfallen.

The group sat in stony silence.

"It doesn't _have_ ta be a woman," said Gin slowly, breaking the spell. "It just has ta _look_ like a woman, am I right?"

"What are you suggesting?"

"If a man _happened _ta look like a woman, but still be a man…"

"Hallibel knows all our faces too well," said Szayel doubtfully.

Shiftily, Gin took a quick glance at Barragan's door.

"Not_ all_ our faces…"

**00**

"One, two…THREE!"

With a battle cry, Szayel, Gin, Findor and Chow Neng Poww burst into the room, covering their ears. Young Barragan turned, bewildered at the sudden intrusion. He had scarcely the time to go, "What the hell?" before he was promptly sat upon by Neng Poww. Miraculously, by assuming an aerodynamic position, Szayel managed to cross the room in about three seconds, aiming a cero at the offending stereo. It exploded.

Seconds ticked past in silence.

"WHAT IN THE EVERLOVING HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?!' Barragan exploded suddenly. Szayel turned, trying and failing not to look triumphant. "That noise was a hindrance. It had to be removed."

"SO WHY THE FRIGGIN' HELL DIDN'T YOU JUST TURN IT OFF? YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO BLOODY BLOW IT UP!" he turned and smacked ineffectually at Neng Poww with his free hand. "GET THE HELL OFF ME, BLUBBER-BUTT!"

Neng Poww somehow managed to bow while sitting down. "I apologize, Rock-King Barragan. It was for your own good. What shall we do with him now, Szayel-sama?"

"Well since we're right next to Hallibel's room, we should go there to dress up."

"You're gonna dress up?" Barragan scoffed.

Szayel smiled. "No, Barragan. _You _are."

**00**

"You remember the plan?"

"Go in there dressed as a chick, find out what they're up to, get back out, report to you," sighed Barragan, uninterested. "Remind me why I'm letting you do this to me again?"

"We have discussed this. It is imperative that we do this, to ensure the safety and sanity of Las Noches."

"I didn't agree to that."

"Also, we agreed to buy you a Fender Players Classic Jaguar so that you may further annihilate your Fraccion's eardrums."

Barragan smiled at the thought of owning the electric guitar, not noticing when Szayel applied Rouge to his lips.

"How do ya know how ta do that?" Gin asked curiously from the sidelines. Szayel ignored him and kept working. "It's a good thing we found Mila Rose's make up kit, I must say. Hallibel's wouldn't have matched your skin tone at _all."_

Ggio very carefully chose to ignore that remark, instead concentrating on sifting through Sun-sun's closet to get an outfit that fit. He heard giggling from a corner.

"What the hell are you two doing?!"

Redder snickered mischievously, holding up a pair of lace panties. "Exacta!" Findor let out what sounded suspiciously like a giggle. "Apache has nothing but thongs in here!"

Ggio snatched the offending garments away, annoyed. "Would you two concentrate? You're being even more useless than usual." Nonchalantly, he slipped the underwear into his pocket, hoping vaguely he wouldn't get caught later. Neng Pow held up a pair of hakama. "These are Sun-Sun's. Since she never wears them, she probably wouldn't notice King Barragan was wearing her clothes."

"Aaw," pouted Gin, sidling over. "I wanted ta see him in a skirt!" Barragan tossed a sneaker at him.

"Just put Apache's jacket over the T-shirt he's wearing now, nobody'll notice," said Szayel, stepping back to admire his handiwork. "Why, Barragan, I must say you handle the punk-chick look quite well! Now, just let me French-braid your hair, and we'll be all set."

Gin looked away from the disturbing sight, wondering not for the first time if the scientist had a stash of Barbie dolls hidden away somewhere. He turned to look at Barragan.

He stared.

"His chest is flat."

Szayel paused, looking up. "Well, of course it's flat."

"But he's supposed ta be a girl."

"Many girls have relatively flat chests," shrugged Szayel dismissively.

"In Hueco Mundo?"

Szayel fell silent.

"Put one of Apache's bras on."

"Why?"

"So we can put something in them, obviously. Go on."

Barragen fiddled with the straps. "How do you work this thing?" he gave up, exasperated. Gin shrugged his shoulders hopelessly. "I dunno. I've taken 'em off a couple'a girls, but never put one on."

Even Szayel was at a loss to understand the mystifying article. They gave up.

"Just stuff these in your shirt," Szayel handed Barragan two rolled-up pairs of socks. "Dare I say it, you look quite pretty, Barragan!"

"Shut up."

**00**

Barragan was marched into the Theatre by two rather burly women, and brought to stand in front of Hallibel. "Your name?" she enquired.

"Bara…nita."

Hallibel nodded. "Very well, take a seat, Baranita. I wish to announce my newest plot- I mean, road to justice."

Hallibel took centrestage, snapping her fingers for silence. "Ladies," she intoned, "following the successful enlistment of General Nnoitora into our ranks," here, to Barragan's bewilderment, she paused to give the Quinta a slight nod, "I feel we have acquired enough forces to begin our most holy crusade."

"What do we plan to do, Goddess Hallibel?" piped up Arrancar 69.5 from the background.

"We are strong enough now, my followers, to do what we have been planning to do all this while ." Hallibel's eyes glinted maliciously in the spotlight.

"We are going to kidnap Aizen."

**Self-reference for the win!**

**I turn sixteen next March. What should I do?**


	10. It never rains, but pours

It never rains, but pours.

Szayel sighed forlornly to himself and put his head in his hands. Next to him, Gin patted him on the back consolingly.

"I mean, before we even figured out what was going on, that I can understand. But this? After all my hard work and planning, this has to happen _now_?"

"I know how ya feel, Pinky." Gin's permanent smile was belied by a heavy sigh. "And it was such a good idea, too."

Szayel leaned his head against Gin's shoulder and let out a small sob. "Stupid Grimmjow. Stupid Ulquiorra. I hate them. I hate them both." Nodding, Gin slung an arm around his partner-in-sorrow consolingly. "Ya did the best ya could, Pinky. It was only a matter of time before Ulquiorra gave out. It was bound ta happen sooner or later."

Szayel sniffled. "I think my heart stopped, when I saw them." Gin shuddered in sympathy, remembering his own horror when, upon turning a seemingly innocent corner, they had chanced upon the prone form of Ulquiorra, lying in a pool of blood and shredded clothes. That, though, was nothing compared to the feeling of pure, unadulterated terror he had felt when he heard the growl behind him.

"Did you see the look on Grimmjow's face?" Szayel whispered, mind apparently working along the same track as Gin's. The fox shook his head slowly. "I didn't even turn. I just ran."

Szayel shivered next to him. "He looked so…self-satisfied. Like the cat that had got the cream…" his voice shuddered to a halt at the mental image.

Gin tilted his head back, remembering the look of pure bliss on Ulquiorra's unconcscious face.

"Musta been a glorious way to die."

**00**

Barragan jogged through the hallway, tripping slightly over his heels. His hair was coming undone from its braid, but he wasn't particularly concerned. Right now, he was preoccupied with looking for Szayel.

"Dammit!" he hissed, stopping to scan his surroundings for any sign of the Arrancar, Gin or even his Fraccion. "They said they'd be waiting here for me! Where in the hell are they?"

Barragan whipped his head back and forth, searching frantically. At this rate, it would be too late!

Not seeing much of a choice, he extracted the tube of lipstick he had pocketed and glanced around conspiratorially. Making sure there was nobody in the secluded hallway, he approached a wall and started to write.

**00**

"Octavia. Hold this for me."

"Yes, Goddess-sama."

Hallibel handed Octavia the end of the rope she was holding and signalled to the waiting Arrancar to raise the lever. Somewhere overhead, there was a satisfying _snap_.

"Are the preparations complete?" she asked, gaze shifting to the right.

Beside her, Arrancar 69.5 saluted from where she knelt on the ground. For the past hour or so, she had been working on a complicated system of levers and pulleys, and now it was close to completion. She held up a fine, almost invisible length of wire. "All we need is the bait, Hallibel-sama."

Hallibel nodded curtly, turning instead to Apache. "Have you done what I asked?"

Apache nodded, holding up a small bottle. "I went into Bastard-sama's room and took something precious, just like you told me to, Hallibel-sama!" she smirked. Hallibel muttered a "well done" and handed the bottle to 69.5. A few minutes of carefully tying the wire around it, and she set it on the ground. "The trap is set."

Hallibel called the rest of the army to her with a wave of her hand. "Our task is complete. Now, let s wait in the shadows for the target to arrive. A few more moments of patience, my comrades, and we shall reach our goal."

**00**

Aizen whistled to himself as he strolled down the hallway, privately admiring how nice and clean-looking everything was. It had been a good idea, choosing white as the colour scheme.

He stopped suddenly, eye attracted by a strange irregularity in the pristine corridor.

It was a small pink bottle, sitting innocently in the middle of the path.

Aizen approached it out of curiosity, wondering to whom the bottle belonged. On closer inspection, he let out a gasp. "Dammit, that's MINE! Who left it lying out here?"

He hurried over, intending to pick it up. "Stupid Gin! He's always borrowing my things and forgetting to give them back! The last time he borrowed my eyeliner, I never saw it again. And now, he takes my favourite nailpolish. Does he know how difficult it is to find this exact shade of Ultra-Baby-Cherry Blossom-Hot-Flamingo-Brink-Pink?"

Frowning, he knelt down next to the bottle, reaching out a hand. He scooped it up.

And heard the snapping of wire.

"OH, SHI--"

**00**

Barragan stepped out of the shadows, warily looking around and straightening his clothes nervously. He stashed the stolen lipstick back into his pocket and continued skulking back the way he came.

"BARANITA!"

Barragan jumped about ten feet in the air, narrowly missing a window. He whipped around, nearly losing his balance.

Loli was running up to him, waving cheerfully. "Baranita! What are you doing here? Everyone's busy having fun trying to capture Aizen!"

Barragan averted his eyes guiltily. "I was…looking for a toilet," he murmered, trying surreptitiously to back away. Loli was having none of that however, and promptly seized him by the shoulders. "Why, you silly girl, there was a girl's room right there! Come on, let's go back and join the party!" she started to forcefully drag Barragan away by the shirt.

"No, wait! Stop!" the rock god struggled to hold his clothes in place, for one false move would have his -_decidedly unfeminine_- assets in public view.

"Oh, don't be silly," laughed Loli, tugging Barragan along by the sleeve. "Why so serio--"

_Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiip._

_Fwump._

_Fwump._

"…"

"…"

There was a moment of silence, as Loli stared in disbelieve at the two pairs of rolled-up socks on the ground. Barragan backed away, hands moving instinctively to cover his now flat chest. "I can explain."

But Loli was already reaching for her Zanpakutou, expression murderous.

"Oh, sh-"

**00**

"And you know what's the worst part?" Szayel sniffed, peeking around a corner to check that the coast was clear, "I bet that was the SAME broom closet we've kept hiding in today."

Gin rolled his eyes behind closed eyelids, beginning to grow weary of Szayel's constant whining. "Geez, Pinky, stop yer bitchin'. We're here." He was, of course, referring to their designated meeting point with Barragan. "Hopefully the old bag didn't get tired and leave," he said airily, enjoying Szayel's sullen silence at being accused of 'bitching'.

He rounded the corner and stopped abruptly, causing Szayel to bump into him from behind.

"What, what is it?" the scientist asked, rubbing his nose from where it had connected with Gin's shoulder. Wordlessly, Gin pointed at the blood –red message scrawled on the wall.

_"SAVE AIZEN."_

**

* * *

**

**Well, I'm sorry I haven't updated in over two weeks! Didn't I say I was busy (doing nothing at all)! *cero'd* Ahaha, I'm sorry. Truth is, my aunt just got married and I've been helping out with the preparations and such. But now it's finally over, I'm free to write again :D And I shall update as often as I am able! (There go my hopes of finishing off this infernal fic before 2010. I mean, really, this thing just took on a mind of its own and now I've no idea when I'll be rid of it. *bala'd*)**

**Eh, well, anyway, if you're wondering why Aizen owns Ultra-Baby-Cherry Blossom-Hot-Flamingo-Brink -Pink Nailpolish…I don't know either. I guess it's just one of those things that keeps him looking FABULOUS. And yes, Brink is a shade of Pink. And yes, Gin does use it too.**

**And the eyeliner, you ask? Well come on, Crimson Cupcake and I agreed that Gin can't possibly have such freaky slanting eyes naturally, can he? It's all in the eyeliner, man, admit it. **

**And yeah, I stuck Loli in there because I couldn't think of anyone else. **

**Oh, and in case you're wondering where Charlotte Coullhourn is, he tried to join Hallibel but she locked him in a cellar because she doesn't like him. I didn't forget him. Honest. **


	11. The Capture

Szayel paced back and forth, biting his nails nervously. Sitting on the ground in front of him, Gin had his chin cupped thoughtfully in his palm. Both were lost in thought.

"Yer gonna make a trench in the floor if ya keep pacing that hard," said Gin absently. Szayel let out an exasperated huff and turned on his heel. "What did he mean, '_Save Aizen'_? Save him from what? What could anyone possibly want from him?"

Gin scooted over to make room for Szayel. "What're th' biggest threats we have righ' now?" he asked.

"Hmmm…as far as we know, Hallibel and Grimmjow are on the loose as we speak. They're pretty dangerous."

"Right," Gin nodded. "So, outta those two, Sousuke must be in danger from one of 'em, right?"

"That's true. Except, Barragan didn't know anything about Grimmjow, did he? We never told him. That means the threat is posed by Hallibel."

Gin nodded again, tapping his fingers on the floor. "What could she wanna do with Sousuke? She's already got th' girlies under her thumb, don't she?"

"Perhaps she's after something bigger." Szayel gasped suddenly, and turned ashen-faced toward Gin. "Wait, if she's after Lord Aizen… she doesn't mean to overthrow him, does she?"

Gin was silent for a minute, smile dissolving slowly. "If wha' she wants is ta kill off Sousuke…it means she'd have access to th' throne. She wants ta rule Las Noches."

Both men sat, silent, as the wave of information registered inwardly. As one man, they rose to their feet, looks of grim determination set on their faces.

"Hallibel has lost her mind," stated Szayel, face dark. "We cannot allow her to harm Lord Aizen in any way."

"I'll be damned if I let those girlies run mah life," agreed Gin. "It was hard 'enuff getting' Aizen ta stop botherin' me to do paperwork in th' first place. No way in hell Imma do it again!"

Szayel turned to him incredulously. "Paperwork? Aren't you worried at all about Lord Aizen's well being?" he asked. Gin simply shrugged in response. "Bastard gets annoyin' sometimes."

Szayel rolled his eyes, not wanting to get into an argument. "We have to save Aizen! How, though? We'll never be able to overpower Hallibel's forces," he deflated. "And, what's more, we're under threat of being captured and molested by that psychopath Grimmjow."

Gin tilted his head, regarding Szayel stoically for a minute. "Now, wouldn't it be nice if we could just get rid o' both threats at once?" His smile returned full force. Szayel turned around slowly.

"Are you saying you intend somehow to use Hallibel to subdue Grimmjow?" he asked, voice hushed and eyes narrowed. Gin's smile widened, threatening to split his head in half.

"More or less."

**00**

When Aizen came to, the first thing he noticed was the splitting headache he had.

The second thing he noticed was the pain around his ankle.

The third thing he noticed was that he was, for some inexplicable reason, upside-down.

The fourth thing he noticed was that he was currently very, very cranky.

"GIN!!!!!" he roared, swinging furiously from where he was hung. "GIN!" he attempted to swing around so he could see properly. Through the blood rushing to his brain, he thought he saw a figure stepping out of the shadows.

"Good morning, Aizen. Did you sleep well?"

"Hallibel?" Aizen quizzed, furrowing his eyebrows in disorientation.

"Correct, maggot," said the figure, stepping into the light completely. Aizen struggled to raise his head to see her better, struggled to hear through the blood pounding in his ears. "Maggot? Where?" he slurred slightly. His mind was still a bit fuzzy, and he was having difficulty thinking straight. Once he got down from here,_ someone_ was going to pay. Severely.

"Raise him higher," commanded Hallibel, lips curling in distaste. Consequently, Aizen suddenly found himself being pulled closer toward the ceiling. He shut his eyes instinctively, fighting the feeling of nausea. He opened his eyes, only to find himself face-to face with…Hallibel's cleavage.

Needless to say, he didn't close his eyes again.

If Hallibel noticed Aizen's sudden rapt attention, she didn't comment on it. Instead, she removed her bone crown, waving it in front of Aizen's nose.

"Wai-what's that?" he snapped, distracted. Hallibel smirked, unseen behind her collar. "This, _dear _Aizen, is my crown. The crown of the ruler," she purred softly, satisfied at his suspicion.

"Ruler?" Aizen spat. "The only ruler around here is me!"

Hallibel laughed, patting Aizen affectionately on the cheek. "Not anymore, _Lord_ Aizen. I'm sorry to say you're old hat. I'm taking over this joint."

Aizen struggled briefly against his bonds before giving up again. The wire around his ankle was cutting into his skin. "W-what are you talking about?" he choked.

Hallibel reached a hand out and spun Aizen around on his string, effectively making him dizzy while giving him a quick view of their audience. "You see them, Aizen? My army of women. My _cult_. Do you see, Aizen? I have become the god you've always wanted to be. I am the deity of the Order of Tia."

"The order of Tia? What kind of batshit crazy bullshit are you spouting?" Aizen snarled, earning him a sudden slap. "Always wanted to do that," grinned number 69.5.

Aizen shook his head to clear his muddled thoughts. "Wait, wait!" he yelled, trying to hide the growing panic. "I don't understand, how did this suddenly happen?"

"Sudden? There's nothing 'sudden' about it, Aizen. This revolution has been brewing for far longer than you can even imagine. It all started with the very first woman to be disrespected by a man."

"WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU ON ABOUT?!" Aizen exploded. Hallibel clicked her tongue impatiently. "Don't pretend you don't know, you sexist bastard. You've been exploiting us women ever since you arrived. All the indignities you've out us through! All the humiliation! All the outrage!"

"WHAT OUTRAGE?!"

"THIS OUTFIT!" roared Hallibel, spreading her arms to the room at large. "ALL THESE OUTFITS! YOU MAKE US LOOK LIKE PROSTITUES! DO YOU KNOW HOW DEMEANING IT IS, WALKING AROUND WEARING MORE MATERIAL ON YOUR FEET THAN ON YOUR TORSO? IT'S ALL TO INDULGE YOUR SICK MALE FANTASIES!"

The room was stonily silent after Hallibel's outburst.

"You mean to tell me," began Aizen icily, "that this is because you were unhappy with your fashion choices?"

"Don't try to trivialise my motivations."

Aizen was silent. "I would have let you go shopping, you know."

"THAT'S NOT THE POINT!" shrieked Hallibel, tearing at her hair. "YOU'RE COMPLETELY MISSING THE POINT! WHY SHOULD WE WOMEN HAVE TO DRESS LIKE THIS TO PLEASE YOU? IT'S NOT LIKE YOU DO IT FOR US! THIS ISN'T FAIR!"

"You're saying you want some naked men?!"

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING AT ALL!"

Hallibel sighed and let out a deep exhale through her nostrils, trying to calm down. "Look. Obviously you're not listening. So let's keep it at this, okay? I don't like you. And so, I'm going to revolt. Because I can. Got it?"

"Got it." Aizen nodded. "By the way, where are the rest of my Espada, and why haven't they annihilated you yet?"

"Because Hueco Mundo hath no fury like a woman scorned," replied Hallibel confidently.

"And Nnoitora? If I recall correctly, he hates women and should have been here the moment you gathered."

"Ah, Nnoitora. You see, that is a funny story," said Hallibel triumphantly. "You see, _General_ Nnoitora has joined our ranks."

"…come again?"

"It's true," said a voice, as Nnoitora stepped forward. "Hello, Aizen honey," she leered, waggling her fingers gleefully.

"NNOITORA?!" Aizen exploded again. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY DID YOU JOIN THEM? AND WHY ARE YOU WEARING A SKIRT?"

Nnoitora huffed, drawing herself up to full height. "How insulting. I joined Goddess Hallibel's ranks to assist her cause, and obliterate the male menace," she said proudly.

"_YOU'RE_ A MALE!"

"How DARE you?" gasped Nnoitora, outraged. "I am none other than a noble woman, and fie upon you who say otherwise!"

"You're off your rocker!" Aizen cried, sounding dangerously close to a wail. Nnoitora huffed and stalked forward, eyes narrowed in distaste.

"You find it that hard to believe?" she hissed. "Fine! Since you're blind, I'll show you in large print!" Without warning, Nnoitora lifted her shirt.

Aizen's eyebrows shot up.

"…" he said.

"Happy?" sneered Nnoitora.

"…glrghyjff…" said Aizen. Nnoitora rolled her eyes and pulled her shirt back down, to Aizen's (very confused) disappointment.

Hallibel stepped between the two, drawing the attention back to herself. "Are you convinced now, Once-Lord Aizen?" she asked softly, leaning close to his ear.

"…grgyltwjdkfkvnd…" said Aizen, still staring at Nnoitora. Hallibel took this as a signal that yes, he understood well enough. She placed a palm flat against the crown of his head, forcing him to look her right in the eye.

"Aizen Sousuke."Her gaze met his, and he was transfixed.

"Prepare to meet a fate worse than death."

**Writing this chapter made me feel…weird. :/**

**Another update, because it's the new year. Here's to another year of being fabulous! Hopefully, 2010 will prove to be more rewarding. I intend to write more, and write better. Right! Keep me company on the way! (:**

**I don't "aspire" to be anything this year. I have no resolutions. That's because…if something's worth doing, you don't have to wait for a new year before you start. All I want for 2010 is to continue doing what I want. I'm going to enjoy myself, because that's how I want to remember my school years. I'm going to college in 2 years. Now that I think about it, that's not such a long time. :/ I'll have to enjoy it while it lasts. **

**Meh, I doubt I'm making much sense. I find trouble expressing it into words. Sort of a fail for a writer, don't you think?**

**Anyway, that doesn't matter.**

**There are fireworks going on outside my window. I'm going to go watch them. **

**Happy New Year, everyone. **


	12. Pwned you there, Sousuke!

"_Torturing me with nails…you sick, sick person_," hissed Aizen, eyes streaming.

Hallibel chuckled to herself and held her hands up, allowing the nails to catch the sunlight streaming through the window. "What's that? One more, you say?"

"Noooo…" Aizen grit his teeth in agony, swinging desperately in an attempt to escape his captor. "No! No! Gin, Kaname! Someone, please, anyone! _Save me_…" his voice trailed off into a sob as Hallibel flexed her fingers in a promise of what was to come. "Stop yelling, Sousuke. Nobody's coming. It's just you and me now, and these lovely nails," she whispered. "Another one, then," she extended a finger.

Aizen bit his lip to hold back the tears. No_. No._ He wasn't about to cry in front of this…this _wannabe_. Yes, he was _Aizen Sousuke_, Goddammit! He was stronger than this, he wasn't going to be reduced to a gibbering heap just because Hallibel could cause him so much pain!

"_AAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!"_

Hallibel smiled good-naturedly at him, forcing his head in her direction so he could survey her work. "Such a nice colour," she purred. "I don't know why you never told me about it sooner."

"_I'll never submit to you!"_ Aizen spat.

"Very well, then."

Hallibel reached back for the bottle of Ultra-Baby-Cherry Blossom-Hot-Flamingo-Brink-Pink Nailpolish.

"Right. One more nail."

**00**

"And you're absolutely sure this will work?" asked Szayel, chewing nervously on his lip. Gin turned and smiled at him. "Now, Pinky. When have I ever failed ya before?"

Szayel pondered this briefly. "Well, there was that time when I was making observations from the roof and you ratted me out to Aizen-"he began, but Gin suddenly started humming loudly.

"Right," Gin ignored him, "Come 'ere."

Szayel watched Gin stride ahead of him to the giant double doors and swing them open with a touch of his hand. "Aizen's Sousuke's bedroom," he announced proudly, sweeping an arm out. Szayel stepped into the magnificently decorated room, jaw dropping. Good Lord. Aizen was _classy._

Gin stepped smartly into the room behind the rosette. "Fancy, huh? Sousuke always felt he deserved ta be _special,_ th' bastard. None o' that totally whitewashed shyte. All red-and-gold deckin's for _him_."

Szayel reached out a hand to run his fingers along red silk bedsheets. "This must have cost a fortune!" he gasped.

Gin snorted behind him. "Why d'ya think he never bothered ta put locks on yer bathrooms? He spent all th' money on hisself. I'd call this more of a boe-dwah than a man's bedroom, though," he grinned, pointing at the gold-gilded mirror taking up half the wall. "Sousuke always was vain."

Szayel turned around to face his superior. "Why are we here, anyway? You said you felt Grimmjow's reiatsu somewhere nearer the corridor."

Gin nodded and shut the doors behind him. "Yeah, but we're lurin' 'im here."

"Why are we doing that?"

"Because we need him ta be distracted, so's I can ambush him."

"Distracted? How?"

Gin drew closer to the scientist, settling both hands firmly on his shoulders. "That's what yer about ta find out, Pinky. Come," he guided Szayel gently but firmly toward the bed. "We've got ourselves a beastie ta catch."

**00**

"First you use up my favourite nailpolish, and now THIS?" Aizen raged, no longer upside-down. Instead, he was tied to a chair, rendered completely immobile by the clever use of knots and ropes. His captor waved a hand dismissively, signalling for her Inquisition to continue. In front of him, Octavia waved Kyoka Suigetsu, Aizen's beloved Zanpakutou.

"You are getting veeeeeeery sleeeeeeeeepy…" she chanted.

"KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY!" he roared, irritation mounting. This had been going on for about two hours now, this infernal Arrancar attempting to annoy him in every manner deemed possible, and several impossible.

Hallibel laughed, egging her subordinate on. "You're so much fun when you lose your cool, Sousuke," she giggled gleefully. Aizen shot her a death glare, vein throbbing madly on his temple. He turned back to the grinning Numero, a dangerous tic beginning to develop in his eye.

"Say, did you buy your glasses in the same shop as that Quincy kid?" she asked nonchalantly, leaning against his sword.

"I did not," he snapped, "and stop desecrating my sword!"

"Looks like, it, though. Why'd you get rid of your glasses, anyway?"

"Because I felt like it, alright? Now shut up, already!"

"Why'd you feel like it?" Octavia persisted. "You got something against glasses?"

"I did it so they'd take me seriously, alright?"

"How stereotypical!" Octavia cried, aghast. "How could you say something like that? Do you think people with glasses can't be taken seriously?"

"Look, I just-"

"YOU MONSTER!" shrieked the girl, obviously enjoying this. "You've just committed a slight against people who wear glasses!"

"What the hell-?"

"MONSTER! MONSTER!" yelled the Bishop, running away with fake tears in her eyes. Aizen rolled his eyes at her retardation, though privately relieved that he had finally managed to get rid of her.

That is, until Arrancar 69.5 appeared, striding up to him while carrying a rather ominous-looking briefcase.

"Aizen Sousuke, I am filing a lawsuit against you for discrimination against visually challenged people…"

**00**

"No, no, I said _pout,_ not frown!"

"Bah!" snapped Szayel, throwing his hands up in agitation. "If you're such an expert, YOU do it!"he said. Gin frowned at him, clicking his tongue patronizingly. "Repeat the plan ta me," he instructed.

Szayel sighed and rolled his eyes. "Lure Grimmjow in here by looking as 'tantalizing' as possible, wait for him to pounce, jump out of hiding and take him by surprise so we can subdue him."

"Right," said Gin, matter-of-factly. "Now, who's th' prettier of us two?" he asked.

"I am," said Szayel, a tad smugly.

"Exactly. Now even if I changed places with ya, would ya be able to subdue the Sexta Espada on Viagra all by yerself?"

"No," muttered Szayel sullenly.

"Exactly. Now sit there and look sexy like a good boy," said Gin, sounding like a satisfied parent.

He leaned forward and pinched Szayel's cheek, inducing a rosy flush that looked surprisingly good on him. Szayel batted his hand away impatiently. "Why do I always have to do such embarrassing things?" he whined. "Suck it up, kid," said Gin cheerfully, tousling Szayel's hair. "Now, hold still," he unzipped Szayel's shirt and slipped it off his shoulders just enough to show some skin, but not enough to expose him completely. "Dang, yer kinda skinny!" he observed, earning a loud raspberry in return. He arranged the sheets artfully around Szayel's sitting form. "There!" he stepped back proudly. "Now I can't tell if yer wearing any pants or not!"

Szayel narrowed his eyes suspiciously at the grinning fox. "You seem to know what you're doing," he said. Gin's grin widened. "I used ta do a lot of things part-time before I came here," he answered slyly. "Now, I'm gonna attract Grimmy's attention soon," he stepped forward to cleverly adjust Szayel's glasses so he looked even more bedswept. "Are ya ready, Pinky?"

Szayel fixed him with a frightened, slightly desperate look. "Not really."

"That's perfect! Keep that expression!" said Gin, extending two thumbs up. "Are you sure about this?" Szayel nearly wailed. Gin nodded easily. "I'm questionin' my own sexuality as we speak," he reassured. "That isn't what I meant-" Szayel began, but Gin cut him off with a shrill whistle.

"That should get his attention," Gin explained, taking his coat off and moving to hide behind the door.

"It's showtime!"

**

* * *

**

**Not a very long chapter. I wanted to continue with Grimmjow's POV, but that would have been too long and would have given me nothing to write about in the next chapter. XD**

**So, I suppose I'll have to explain myself.**

**First, You didn't really think I'd make Hallibel stick nails into Aizen, did you? No, I'm not that cruel. Besides, using up his nailpolish is MUCH more cruel.**

**Second, OMFG Szayel fanservice! XD Don't worry, it gets better in the next chapter, because that's when I'm REALLY letting loose ;) Naw, I won't make to too explicit because…Szayel would hurt me. 'Sides, I doubt it would come off as anything other than crack, just like back with the TeslaxNnoitora bit, so, THAT'S ALL YOU GIT. **

**Also, The "annoying Aizen" bit I got from "How to Annoy Just About Everyone in Bleach" by Jaffa-Cake-Queen, except I modified it a little (: Thankyuu.**

**Ah! Crimson Cupcake went on vacation and now nobody reviews my work anymore. That makes me saaaaaaaaaaaaaad. :( REVEW! Or I won't update *cero'd* That's a useless threat. None of you care, do you. You're all cruel.**

**On a more retarded note, I just read My Immortal. You know, the famously bad Harry Potter fic written by xxxbloodyrists666xxx, staring Ebony "Enoby/Eboby/Egogy" Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way (I'm not making this name up, I swear)? I'm telling you. If you haven't read it, go read it. NAU. **

**It's the most hilarious piece of crap you'll ever feel like bashing your head against. And the beauty of it, it's not even meant to be funny. It's just that bad. Go. Google it up. Read it.**

**I'm serious, it's either the most ingeniously detailed troll ever to bring the internet to its knees, or the brainchild of an autistic hippopotamus. **

**And you know what? Google's right.**

**It's STILL better than Twilight.**


	13. The rescue

Grimmjow placed a paw cautiously around the corner, following the sound of the whistle. He was feeling hot and bothered again. That little green-eyed one had been nice, he thought, but he hadn't lasted very long. True to his feline nature, Grimmjow had played with him for a little while longer, then quickly got bored and took to stalking new prey.

And he'd been so close to catching that pretty pink one, too! How very vexing.

Grimmjow carefully nosed the door open, poking his head through the doorway to investigate.

And saw _him._

**00**

Barragan opened an eye, head feeling as though someone had smashed it in with the flat side of a sword.

…Oh yeah. Someone_ did_ smash his head in with the flat side of a sword.

Rubbing his head, Barragan attempted to sit up, only to find that his limbs were tied down. He twisted his head around, trying to get a better look at his surroundings. Everything was pitch black. He called out, wondering if anyone would hear him.

Hearing a scuffling sound somewhere nearby, Barragan called out again, hopes rising. Maybe whoever it was could untie him! A smile of relief broke across his face.

That is, until he saw Charlotte Coullhourn coming toward him, arms extended.

"Oh, God. Not _you_."

**00**

Grimmjow watched, slack-jawed, as the pink-haired incubus turned to look at him. His soft pink hair was devoid of its usual immaculate neatness, instead looking ruffled beyond belief. The glasses were perched slightly crookedly on the end of the scientist's pointy nose, and behind them, golden eyes widened almost innocently. He bit his lip nervously, making it turn slightly pink. In addition, his face was flushed under his cherry blossom locks, reminding Grimmjow of a colourful, strawberry-flavoured piece of candy.

A piece of candy that he suddenly very, _very _much wanted to taste.

Grimmjow's allowed his eyes to wander, from the ridiculously pink face to the creamy uncovered skin. He felt a growl growing at the back of his throat, wanting to rip the scientist's shirt all the way off. How was it possible to have ceramic-looking skin, anyway? Grimmjow felt the need to investigate, wanting to know if the skin felt as smooth as it looked. And if it was…well, he'd soon fix that. And after that, Grimmjow would take the little pink arrancar-doll and keep him on a shelf somewhere to look at.

And play with, of course.

Ah…catching a hint of movement, Grimmjow watched a small bead of sweat work its way down from Szayel's temple, running down the side of his face ad down his jaw. It continued it descent, tracing an invisible line down Szayel's slender chest, down his stomach, until it disappeared in the folds of cloth surrounding the man's slim waist.

Grimmjow crouched low, taking a few steps forward. Damn that adorably wide-eyed expression, damn that pink person for looking so much like a frightened rabbit. Damn that guy for looking so…so…_molestable._

Yes._ Molest. _Sounded like a good plan.

Grimmjow smiled.

Grimmjow _pounced_.

**00**

Silence.

"Ya can open yer eyes, now."

Light made its way back into Szayel's world as he forced is eyelids apart and lowered his hands from their protective cross in front of his face. He blinked shakily, looking around to make sure he hadn't died. Again.

Gin grunted slightly, using all his weight to subdue a…a mass of white cloth, was all Szayel could make out. A very, very angry mass of white cloth.

"What did you do?" Szayel asked, cautiously slipping out of the bed and readjusting his attire. Gin struggled for a foothold, still in battle with the writhing, shrieking lump. "Jumped out from behind th' door and trapped 'him in mah cloak," the man huffed, obviously having a hard time. Szayel looked around for something to hit Grimmjow with, not liking the way claws were starting to rip holes in the fabric. He picked up a rather large book, choosing to ignore the title (_Twilight,_ it said) and promptly whacked the enraged panther. Its movement ceased.

Gin stood up, panting lightly. "Strong bugger," he said cheerfully, gathering up the edges of is coat. "Gonna need me a new jacket, too, by th' looks of it." With nary a change of expression, he hauled the bundle onto his back, making Szayel wonder (not for the first time) if he'd been merely faking his battle. Why, then, had he so obviously wanted help? Maybe he was just lazy. Szayel woulnd't have been surprised if that were the case.

"What now?" he asked, jogging to keep up with the silver-haired man's strides. Gin smiled amiably, tilting his head to the side. "Now, Pinky, we give th' kitty a new home."

**00**

Aizen stared stonily in front of him, staunchly refusing to acknowledge Hallibel's imposing figure. He turned his face away when she bent into his line of vision, and shut his eyes when she forced him to face her.

Hallibel frowned and released him, taking a few steps back. Getting him to cooperate was proving rather harder than she'd thought.

"Admit it."

"No."

Hallibel sighed and waved to her Arrancar from where they were busy dying Aizen's hair purple. "Enough playing," she said, watching them scamper off. She turned back to face Aizen.

"Look. Dude. Things would go a lot easier if you just owned up. It's simple. All you have to do is admit that you're a chauvinist pig who demeans women."

"I am no such thing. I like women."

Hallibel pinched the bridge of her nose, feeling a headache coming on. "Okay, look. Work with me here. I can't prosecute you unless you at least _try _to be villain-y. Come on. Give me something to work with, here."

Aizen remained silent.

Hallibel resisted the urge to run screaming into the night. Instead, she turned around when she heard a knock on the door. Thinking it was probably one of her followers, she went to open it.

And found Ichimaru Gin.

"Special delivery," he grinned, thrusting a large white package into her hands.

A _moving_ package.

"Oh, crap."

**Right, so school's just started and I don't have as much time to update, so expect about an update a week, two if I'm lucky. My teachers suck. Well, most of them, anyway, and I haven't done any of my homework. I don't intend to. **

**Also, HAHA. Szayel-porn-crack.**

**See ya soon. **


	14. The Ending

In the blink of an eye, Gin slipped past Hallibel, grabbing the chair Aizen was tied to and unceremoniously tossing it over a shoulder. He darted back out the door, pausing to watch something large and blue shoot out of the white bundle and latch itself onto the Arrancar goddess. Gin chuckled quietly, slithering out the door in time for Szayel to slam it shut and slice off the doorknob with_ Fornicaras. _

He plopped Aizen on the floor, unsheathing his Zanpakuto and slicing the binds clean off. Aizen stood up immediately, throwing his arms around Gin with a muffled sob. Evidently, the toughness he'd put on in front of Hallibel had all been fake. Gin grinned, amicably patting his boss on the head.

"There, there, Sousuke," he said, grin belying his soothing tone of voice. Aizen said nothing, only sniffling and burying his head further into the cook of Gin's neck. The silver-haired man began to chuckle again, but was distracted by a quiet hiccup. He turned his head.

"Szayel? Ya feelin' okay?"

The pink-haired scientist drew and arm across his eyes, no doubt attempting to wipe away tears. "S-shut up!" he stammered, voice thick. "I'm not crying!" His shoulders heaved slightly with the effort of retaining his dignity. He honestly couldn't help himself. And how could he? After all that emotional trauma? The horror of finding his experiments missing, then the exasperation of having to find the victims, the fear of being brutally raped by Grimmjow, the horror at what Hallibel had become, the worry for Aizen's well-being…and above all, the complete and utter_ anguish_ of working with one creature so annoying as Ichimaru Gin.

Gin allowed his smile to widen slightly, seemingly understanding Szayel's thoughts in the peculiar Gin-ish way he had. He extended an arm to the man. "Somebody needs a hug."

Szayel wailed and launched himself at Gin, attaching himself to the man's side. "I hate you!" he sobbed, clutching fiercely at Gin's clothes. "I hate you, I hate you! But I'm glad Aizen-sama's okay! Aizen samaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

The sound of two fully grown men sobbing filled the corridor, nearly drowning out the sound of Hallibel's screams and Grimmjow's delighted growls. It would appear that all was finished, the great threat had been vanquished, the damsel- uh, Aizen was rescued, and the day had been saved. And now was the time for dams to break and emotions to come spilling out. Thus, Aizen and Szayel cried.

Gin simply smiled.

**00**

Aizen sat in his throne room, legs crossed and chin resting on his hand, gazing peacefully at the people around him. Looking at him now, one would never have guessed that the man had had an emotional breakdown just a few days before. He listened half-heartedly to Szayel's private report as the rest of the Espada lounged around, waiting for their meeting to commence.

According to Szayel, errant victims of Hallibel's tirade were being rescued, and the womenfolk were slowly snapping out of their subjection to their goddess, as Szayel's carefully-crafted antidote took its effect. It had taken forever before anyone plucked up the courage to retrieve Hallibel, only entering the room once all the noise had completely died down. To everyone's surprise, Hallibel had been alive, trapped under Grimmjow's sleeping form. All was well.

Well, not all.

It did not excape Aizen's notice that the after-effects of the mayhem had yet to wear off. Grimmjow was still eyeing everyone hungrily, particularly Szayel. The Arrancar's attentions were beginning to alarm Aizen, to say the least, especially when said attentions were being focused on him. Barragan was still acting peculiar, although that was easily ignored, but Ulquiorra would suddenly burst into fits of giggles for no apparent reason, making everyone edge away from him ever-so-subtly. What was worse was that the lachrymose man's giggles intensified whenever Grimmjow looked at him.

The mental images disturbed Aizen.

Ah, yes, and that wasn't all that was amiss. Aizen allowed his gaze to wander to –Aizen fought down the sudden blush- a very feminine Nnoitora, deep in conversation with a decidedly cheerful Hallibel. If he strained his ears, he could hear snatches of their conversation.

"Since Aizen's agreed to let us go shopping in the human world, you should totally come with me and pick out some shoes! You should get yourself a pair of heels, Nnoitara!"

Ah, yes. _Nnoitara._

"Oh, please, Hallibel! I'm already freakishly tall as it is, wearing heels will just make me look like a telephone pole!"

"Don't be silly, you've got a lovely figure! You're so tall and thin, like a model. I'm so jealous."

"How could you say that, Hally? I'm the one who should be jealous, you've got such nice curves in all the right places!"

"No, I'm fat, you wouldn't believe…"

Aizen tuned out of the conversation, the many references to body shape beginning to place odd thoughts in his mind. He turned to Szayel, interrupting mildly, "By the way, Szayel, when do you think you'll be able to get our dear Quinta back to normal?"

Szayel didn't miss a beat. "I'm working on Nnoitora- I mean, _Nnoitara's _antidote as we speak, Lord Aizen," he said smoothly. From a corner, Barragan could be heard talking to an exasperated Yammy.

"Why you be all up in mah grille, dawg? Yo!"

"For the last time, old man, that_ isn't_ how rockers talk!"

Aizen nodded and dismissed Szayel with a wave of his hand, allowing the smaller man to resume his seat. The academic made his way back to the end of the table, Aizen noticed, but not before being stopped by Gin.

"Tell meh the truth, Pinky," he whispered gleefully into Szayel's ear, just loudly enough so he knew Aizen could hear. "Are ya really planning to come up with Nnoitora's antidote at all?"

Szayel stiffend slightly, turning his nose up almost unnoticeably. "Not at all, Lord Gin. He's _much _better as a girl."

And oddly enough, Aizen had to agree.

**Epilogue.**

Kenpachi Zaraki flash-stepped across the desert, Zanpakuto in hand. Mercilessly, the man mowed down any Arrancar fool enough to get in his way. His goal was the girl Orihime, and nothing was going to stop him.

Kenpachi skidded to a halt, sensing a much larger reiatsu in front of him. True enough, a tall figure stood blocking his path, swinging a huge crescent-shaped blade. Behind it, a shorter blonde figure stood ready to assist.

Kenpachi extended his sword, pointing it threateningly at the obstruction. "Wanna die?" he asked tauntingly, face splitting into a feral grin. Yachiru hopped off his shoulder, settling herself safely on a nearby boulder. The figure merely sneered, introducing itself as the Quinta Espada and challenging him to a duel, to which Zaraki readily complied.

Orihime could wait. He wanted a _fight_.

The Quinta made the first move, aiming straight at Zaraki's heart. The shinigami parried, blocking the blow and retaliating with his own. To his surprise and chagrin, the Arrancar stood unharmed, laughing loudly about having "Hueco Mundo's hardest Hierro."

Inwardly, Zaraki chuckled. Yes, he knew about this one. Before they had split ways, that bastard Mayuri had insisted on giving him the profiles of every damned Espada in the place. Not that he needed it, of course. He suspected the scientist shinigami had just wanted to piss him off.

He was rather glad of the knowledge now, though he was loathe to admit it. The only reason being, of course, that he now knew he was fighting someone tough, violent, and completely batshit crazy.

Just like him.

Kenpachi's grin only widened as he received a large cut, and, instead of crying out in pain, lunged forward to attack. He swung his sword at his opponent's hand, attempting to knock the sword out of the vice-like grip.

And the Arrancar screamed.

Kenpachi stopped, rather taken aback, as the Arrancar dropped the sword and stared, horrified at Zaraki's inflicted blow. Didn't this person supposedly have steel-hard skin? As far as Zaraki could see, he hadn't even left a mark on the skin. No blood at all. If so, why was this nutjob yelling and flailing around and making its fraccion panic?

"YOU IDIOT!" the warrior screamed, pointing an accusing finger. "YOU BROKE IT! YOU TOTALLY BROKE MY NAIL!"

"…what?"

"DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK TO DO MY NAILS? FRENCH MANICURES TAKE _AGES_!" the figure screeched in rage. Kenpachi blinked as the Espada stomped off, still fuming, and the little blonde fraccion ran to keep up.

The shinigami watched, dumbfounded, forgetting to shout after the Arrancar about their match. What the hell? What happened to being a ferocious lunatic? Had Kurotsuchi given him wrong information just to screw with him?

Expression darkening, Zaraki turned around, changing direction and seeking out his fellow captain's reiatsu. Zaraki'd teach _him_ to mess around with his chances at a decent fight.

Fucken freakshow was gonna _die._

**A/N: Well…that's it, really! I really hope I haven't disappointed you with the ending, I think I went and spoiled it. PLUS, I completely forgot to warn y'all that the end was Coming Soon. I'm sorry. **

**So ends my first attempt at an epic fic, and a huuuuge thank-you and big squishy hug to everyone who read, reviewed, faved, and whatever!**

**I'm glad to be rid of this fic (who isn't) but I'll miss it in a strange, twisted way. PM or whatever if you have any questions (which you don't but I'm asking anyway because I'm an attention whore). **

**And lastly, I know the fic is technically over, but as a parting request, please review! I want to know what you think of the ending, and of the fic overall. Tell me what I need to improve on, tell me what you expect from now on, tell me anything! I want to hear it! I have no life!**

**Right, so that's it for my fic, Poison Pink. I hope you enjoyed it. See you again in my next work!**

**BananaNutCrunch- OUT.**


	15. Quick Q&A with Szayel

And here, we take a look into the reasoning of everyone's favourite Espada scientist, Szayel Apollo Grantz.

**BNC** _Szayel._

**Hello, Szayel.**

_Hey, aren't you that Arrancar 69.-_

**RIGHT YES WELL. I have a few questions to ask you, if it's not too much trouble.**

_Fire away._

**Firstly, what was your reasoning behind the creation of your drugs? **

_Well, Poison Sparkler was obvious, of course. Even an amazing man of science like me needs a pick-me-up once in a while. As for Poison Pheremone…well, even I need help with the ladies sometimes._

**I can imagine. Poison Lust, then?**

_Shut up._

**Spoilsport. What about Poison Femme?**

_That's a bit more complicated. I created that a very long time ago, as part of my self-image. You see, the delightfully effeminate image you see before you isn't my true form. In reality, I take the shape of a much taller, muscular, all-round manlier man. I had an awful gravelly voice, and even Grimmjow had to look up at me. Plus, my hair was originally red, not pink, and I had this annoying stubble that wouldn't go away no matter how many times I shaved. It went against my sense of aesthetics. I looked a bit older too, so that's why I made Poison Immortal; I wanted to go back to my twenties. It was all to look good, like a more scientific version of makeup._

…**I think you just broke my brain.**

_What brain?_

**What was it like working with Ichimaru Gin?**

_I felt like strangling him. I honestly don't know how Lord Aizen does it .I swear that man is the devil himself._

**And how did Grimmjow make you feel?**

_Pure and utter terror. I still have nightmares._

**Ulquiorra?  
**

_Wrong. Just. Wrong._

**Mhmm. What about Nnoitara, then?**

…_I actually quite like her. Nnoitara can be quite a funny person sometimes_.

**After all of this, what have you learned?**

_That padlocks are not enough to keep meddling fingers out of my lab. I have since invested in a DNA sensor that repels anyone except me, and my fraccion, of course. Also, I've learned to fear women. They're very scary._

**I see. Do you have anything to say to your many fans?**

_Stop sending me mail._

**Right. Well, you're not a very amusing interview subject, so I'm going to end things here. Thanks for reading this far, if you have, and if you haven't, then…you can't see this, can you?**

_Your lack of intelligence is really quite unfortunate._

**How mean. Okay, everyone, that's it from me! Bai-bai!**


End file.
